diary of a suburban momma

joy

2011-12-12T22:58:00.000-08:00

november 15th is my birthday. this story starts a few days before. my fabulous sister stacy was able to make a visit for the few days preceding my birthday. it was glorious. we had time together in the city, in the livermore wine country and at a foot massage spot at the mall. i lived with her once upon a time (as adults) and love every moment that we get to spend with each other now. i miss her way too much and our visits are far less regular than i would like. but philly and p-town are far. and so we take what we can get. she left on my birthday. it was a beautiful gift to have her here.

on the 15th the girls and i drove auntie to the airport. after we droped her off, we had a sweet little lunch on the peninsula. i remember sitting there and thinking that it was a lovely little moment. seeing my sister, lunch with my girlies... the little things. we arrived home at nap time and i will admit i was happy to have a little bit of time to myself while the younger girlies rested. moments after putting them down, i heard d call from the top of the stairs. it was game on.

my d informed me that she was sick. she had the stomach bug. ick. and it left its mark on multiple surfaces in our home, multiple times. i played nurse for the afternoon.

clearly, our dinner plans to celebrate my birthday were cancelled and while i felt a twinge of disappointment, i was too busy with laundry and nurse duties to dwell on it too much. scott arrived home with some take out and after dinner we put the kiddos to bed. i crossed my fingers hoping that this was the end to a long day. i thought for a moment about how funny it was that a sweet day had turned sour so quickly. and yet the joy of the morning with my sister lingered. the time with my girls at lunch had still left their mark. if i hadn't thought about it for a moment, i am certain that the day would have only been remembered for the bad and that the good would have dissolved into the air. but i grabbed for those moments of joy and tucked them into my heart. i wanted to savor them.

moments after my sweet p went down, she was up again. the sickness that had hit d a few hours early had now descended upon her. we changed her. we changed her bedding. we changed her again. and so it went for a few rounds.

somewhere in the midst of all this flu chaos, my husband stopped me.

"tash, i have to tell you something. i found out today that i made partner."

i stopped in my tracks. this was beautiful, glorious news. this was the hand of God in ways that this post cannot explain. it is the cherry on the top of our leaving chicago and our move to california.

i must admit that it was also a very odd juxtaposition. here i was cleaning up vomit, while praising God for this beautiful blessing. mess in the midst of joy. it actually made me laugh out loud as it is so not how i pictured this day. it was this moment where joy and real life collided. would i choose joy? or would i let the day be tainted by the mess? i'll admit, it was hard to choose the joy, but in my heart i knew that was more powerful and more meaningful and more true than any of the other white noise in the background.

the week continued with the three remaining family members falling. shortly after d, e joined the sick party and by the end of the week both scott and i were men down.

less than 24 hours after my recovery, we loaded up the car and headed for disneyland. as we drove south through the state i marvelled at how this is never something that i had thought of for my life, the hills were breathtaking, the rows and rows of orchards were beyond my imagination. i know that i have said all of this before, but somehow the landscape of california connects me to my maker. it filled me with joy and awe at a God with such creativity, imagination and enthusiasm for His creation.

we arrived at disney and began to take in the park. if i am totally honest, it was filled with ebbs and flows, highs and lows, positives and negatives.

i am not really a disney girl. it sort of goes against the grain of who i believe God designed woman to be... but i also tend to make things larger than they need to be. i will confess, i left this portion of our vacation a converted disney fan. what can i say? i love me some roller coasters!

we then headed to the santa monica. the tired of disney quickly washed away with the waves and i relished in the joy of watching my girlies on the beach. we watched surfers. we flew a kite. we took in the hollywood stars. we did dined at the american girl cafe in the grove. again, i found my cup running over. joy eclipsed my heart.

we arrived home and a day later headed to church. while i worshiped that day, i found that my heart was so full. it was the beginning of the advent season and i realized that i had much to be thankful for. there was precious time with my children, beautiful accomplishments for my husband, memories with my sister and a peace about this lovely place on the planet where we have landed. joy. joy. joy.

later that evening my joy bubble was burst. conflict with a family member exploded and i found myself in tears. quickly slipping from my grasp was this joy and i felt my heart turn to pain. in an instant it all began to switch.

i declared in that moment to grasp for the joy. but it was easier said than done. you see, conflict tends to do that. it seeps in and starts to spread deep into the recesses of the mind. it became a battlefield for me and i found that i joy wasn't winning.

later that week i headed to mops. the speaker that day was one that i had heard before. i was hoping that there would be something new to grasp onto but i found her telling the same story that i had heard the previous year. a little background on the speaker is that she lost a child to trisomy. as she told her story again, she got to a part that i had forgotten. basically, she tells of sitting before a doctor during her pregnancy. the doctor had looked at her and said (in a nigerian accent)...

"you believe in Jesus?"

she answered yes

"the debil... he try to rob you o yo joy."

in that moment tears began to stream down my cheeks. here i was poo pooing this story that i had heard before, and she was giving me this nugget that was exactly what Christ wanted me to hear. the debil (nigerian accent) was doing the very same thing to me.

and i realized that i had a choice. i could let the puke and the tired and the conflict steal my joy, or i could claim it. i chose in that moment to claim it.

later that week, i was moving furniture around the living room to make room for our christmas tree. as i moved my beloved antique desk, it began to topple over. the glass door that holds a large number of my coveted trinkets slung open and out poured a ton of breakables. they landed in a pile of broken pieces on the floor. in the midst of the chards were these little angel cards that i have held onto for years. each card holds a word. peace. obedience. love. strength. beauty. understanding.

and joy.

as i sat there on the floor picking up the broken pieces of my treasures i began to cry again. how was it possible that joy could just continue to slip through my fingers?

and then the woman from mops hit my heart again.

the debil... he try to rob you o yo peace, obedience, strength, beauty, understanding... and yes, my joy.

once again, i claimed the joy.

you see, i believe that the bible is the true word of God. and while the God that i love is all things good and beautiful and perfect, the bible also is clear on this other force out there that wants nothing more than to steal my joy. i am not going to let evil win.

and so today, i claim joy. i claim the goodness and the promise of God's role in my life. i see His hand in each of these beautiful elements of my past month and i choose to claim them and give Him the glory for the richness and beauty that they add to my life. i praise Him for the gift of His son and the reason that we celebrate this season. for me, this month is about that. it is about a Christ child that was sent to save the world and about the power of His hand in my life.

for me, this season is going to be about joy.

forgive me for this really long drawn out story. i share it because my guess is that the debil isn't just trying to press in on my life. he may be trying to do the same to you. my prayer is that if that is true for, you read this and claim joy alongside of me. my hope is that in the midst of the chaos, you see the star. and that you hold onto it tightly, knowing the promise was given will come to pass and that through this baby, we can know joy.

national food day

2011-10-25T21:15:00.000-07:00

last week i kept seeing all these posts on facebook about national food day. in case you are wondering, it was yesterday. i had no idea that we had such a day. i also had no idea what national food day was supposed to be about. considering that there the federal government has been linked to supporting monsanto, i was pretty certain that i didn't want to participated in anything dealing with food and the government. but that's just me.

but i must say, i did think about it quite a bit over the course of the day yesterday. i kept meaning to look it up but never got around to it as i was on the go for the better part of the day. i had my guess as to what it was probably all about, and then i had my hopes for what i wanted it to be all about.

food is sort of something i am passionate about. that is a two part statement. first, i love me some good eats. i am a huge supporter of eating real food that is absent of pesticides, preservatives, and all the other junk that tends to try to creep its way into items we call "food". don't get me wrong- i am not always the best decision maker when it comes to food. i love a good old in-and-out burger from time to time, complete with an order of fries. but on a daily basis, i try to give my family a home cooked meal that is fresh, balanced and not pre-packaged.  i watch way too much food network, have more recipes bookmarked from epicurious than i can count, and am on always on the hunt for the newest sustainable and organic restaurant openings in the bay area.

the second part of the statement above refers to my passion for all people to have food. i find it disturbing that there are so many people around the world that don't have food. when you look into the average american's pantry, it's hard to believe that is true. but just outside our front doors there are an abundance of people- real live people with beating hearts- who don't have something to put on the table for their family. while you and i are struggling with what to take out of the freezer or which take-out option is best, there are tons of people out there with a different struggle. they are less concerned with whether or not food is "real" and more concerned with having some.  we can talk about the people in africa or the people china facing this issue on a daily basis. and we should be concerned about those people. however, i think that sometimes we talk about the people that live far away as a distraction method to avoid the fact that we have the same problem in our very own back yards. you can go to any main st. (yes- even in the 94566) and find people who don't have food. we don't like to think about that. it makes us uncomfortable as we scrape our plates into our disposals and flip the switch. it sort of collides with grocery day when we toss those containers of spoiled leftovers that have been taking up real estate in our refrigerators. somehow, when it's in our own back yard, we are eye to eye with a problem. we get to choose. do we do something about the problem or just pretend it doesn't exist? ick. and as grocery bills get higher and higher each month, we tend to want to avoid the problem even more. because suddenly, our middle class pocket books are starting to hurt a bit too. this food issue that once was someone else's problem is starting to encroach on my property line, so to speak.

and so for food day, i made a decision. not knowing what in the blazes food day was supposed to be about, for us it was going to be about appreciating the food that we have. it was going to be a day where we changed our behavior and stopped being piggies with leftover containers that end up getting tossed in the trash. it was going to be a day where we turned from wasting food to a family that appreciates the food on our table.   while it would certainly be a far cry from saving the world, we were going to have an "everything but the kitchen sink" dinner. i rescued leftovers from their inevitable fate in the city compost pile and gave them to my family.

it was shocking to see what i turned up in the spirit of trying to teach my family to have a "least of these" mentality. we had prosciutto stuffed dates with blue cheese, pulled pork, grilled tri-tip, edamame, smashed potatoes with pancetta and gorganzola... not so much a dinner for paupers, eh? but sadly, it opened my eyes.

i'm not sure what i am going to do about it, but it triggered a need within me. somehow, i need to show my kids a world that their suburban eyes rarely see. i need to show them how to step outside of themselves. i need to give them experiences where they help those who don't have enough. i need to get them eye to eye with hunger.

this was such a part of my life before kids, but it has somehow faded into the background of my daily life. for fear of their safety (as if all hungry people are knife wielding villains) i have kept them protected from this reality that exists right in my back yard.

so stay tuned. i see something on the horizon for our little family. i don't know what it looks like right now, but i do know that something must be done.

posts like this scare me a little bit because it sort of forces me out of my cozy little bubble. but i think they are good. they hold me accountable and keep a record of my passion. now, it's up to me to put my money where my mouth is.

wiggle

2011-10-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

i have been a stay at home mom now for a little over 5 years. my job description has stayed pretty much the same for the better part of those five years. i have been boo boo kisser, laundry washer, breakfast maker, playdate coordinator, fight ender, bed tucker-inner, story reader, nose wiper, bum cleaner, dance party mixer, grocery shopper, car pooler... and the list goes on.

and on.

and on.

more recently i have added preschool co-op helper and homework harasser to the list.

but for the better part of the last year, e and i have been hoping for a duty to be added to my list. in fact,it started almost one year ago at this exact time. look closely at the snap below... can you tell what i am?

how about here?

yep. a year ago i started dressing the part to practice for the job that e and i were seeking to add to my current list of duties. e got her first wiggle on the bottom fronts at that time. and then they just hung out there. thrice she has pleaded with our dentist to remove them for her. thrice he has told her that she has to get them out herself.

so you can imagine her joy when one of the two was ready to be extracted by her dad. a tiny pull and voila... i became the tooth fairy.

and e...

well, she went to sleep on time for the first time in months. smile.

this fairy gig is tough work, but i am happy to add it to my list.

sick day

2011-10-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

e has missed around 5 days of school in her lifetime (including preschool and elementary). on each of those missed days, she was down for the count... sick. to date she has also never missed school for a non-sick day (ie vacation, company, a family activity etc.). so you can imagine her surprise on friday morning when i told her that she was not going to be going to school.

let me back up for a moment. d had been sick on the couch for the better part of the week. she had been up for two of those nights coughing up a lung with a sore throat and has had no voice now for two days. on thursday night, p began to cough up a lung and spent the entire night nestled in my bed between scott and i. e had was also showing signs of an approaching sickness with a little runny nose.

so when my alarm went off on friday morning, i just turned it off and watched my p sleep. it was one of those momma moments where you fall in love with your (not so much a...) baby (anymore). (seriously- i'm going to be calling her my baby until she's 42.) she was peaceful and snugly and not coughing. a few moments post alarm, e appeared at the side of my bed.

"mom, aren't you going to wake me up?"

"no. go back to bed and get some rest. you're sick."

"i'm not sick mom. i feel fine."

"no e. you're sick. we need more rest."

at that she rolled her eyes, smiled and announced she was going to be in bed reading.

we all got out of bed about 40 minutes later and stayed in our pj's until noon. we watched judy moody and the not bummer summer on on-demand. i set up a nail salon in the kitchen and gave the girls pedi's. we had a dance party. and we played hair salon.

if you want to make an appointment, i can give you the stylists number. scrunchies on your knees? olivia newton john headbands? i mean this is the best salon ever!

by the end of the day everyone seemed to be on the mend. fevers were broken. voices had returned. tissues were no longer flying out of the wall box...

what? you don't have a tissue dispenser built into your bathroom walls? (i couldn't resist. i mean when was i ever going to work my uber cool 60's design element into a blog post? exactly.)

and you should have heard the conversation that e had with her dad when he arrived home from work.

"dad, you will never believe this! mom made me stay home from school today and i wasn't even sick!"

love at third sight (part 1)

2011-10-20T12:06:00.000-07:00

i should change the title of my blog to something like "diary of a lyric addict" or something like that. i know. i'm a dork. but songs speak to me and inspire me and get my brain digging deeper. for some reason, song lyrics tend to illuminate the bigger picture for me.

moving on...

recently, i was asked the question if i believed in love at first sight.

the realist and feminist in me says that there is no such thing. love doesn't work like that and if it does it is only temporary. how can a first sight visual get you through life? how can a glimpse in one direction and eyes locking at their first meeting go the distance? it's hard for me to say "yes" to that.

the romantic in me says maybe. i mean it would be nice and everything but it feels like it is a little far fetched and more of a fairytale. it would be cool but it doesn't really happen like that very often and the fairytale usually ends at the alter not at the 50th wedding anniversary. maybe i would be more of a believer if there was a cinderella part deaux... maybe they could show good old cinderella (played by betty white) throwing a ball to help their grandson find his love. the party could start out with grandma cindy dancing with prince not quite as charming (played by sean connery). toasts could be given by the people in the town and then the new prince (maybe beiber would be a good fit?) could begin the search for his own cinderella. nice in theory. but it isn't exactly real.

the Christ follower in me says "yes". i recently was reminded (through a message at church) that jacob fell in love with rachel at first sight.

but as for me... i fell in love with my hubs with the help of tweety bird... at third sight.

first sight:
scott and i met in a bar. i used to feel icky saying that. but it is part of my story and no matter how you spin it, it is the truth. a bunch of my friends were in town and we were all hanging out at fado in buckhead. the girls and i were chatting as two guys approached us. they introduced themselves, made some small talk and then one of them asked for my number. i had never given out my number to a stranger in a bar. i wasn't sure what to do, but there was something inside me that said "do it". and so i did.

the guy called me a few days later and asked me on a date. he wanted to take me out to dinner. logic told me that this was a bad idea. girls who go out with people they don't know end up on the 10 o'clock news not on the last page of a fairytale book (and let's be honest, i'm not much of a fan of fairytales). but again, there was something inside me that said "do it". in an effort to avoid that news story ending to my life i made plans to meet him at the restaurant, let a few friends know where i was going and was sure to go straight home after dinner.

second sight:
we had a good time. he was funny, smart, and such a gentleman. conversation between us was easy and we had a lot in common. and when he talked about something we didn't have in common, i found him to be intriguing.

we talked on the phone a bit over the next few weeks. if i remember correctly, he was going out of town the following week and then i was out of town the weekend after that. those phone conversations were fun. i remember them as being long and filled with laughter. i remember hanging up the phone each time with a smile on my face and feeling joy as i learned new things about this person. it was exciting and fun and refreshing.

third sight:
on our second date, he took me to this cool restaurant where i had the most delicious pasta that i have ever had. i can close my eyes to this date and remember that dish. in fact, i have spent a great deal of time trying to recreate the recipe because it was that good. but as usual, i digress. after dinner he took me to the fox theatre to see les miserables. yes. you read that correctly. who was this guy and where did he come from?

as we sat in the theatre waiting for the show to begin, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tweety bird pez dispenser. putting his thumb on the top of tweety's head, he cocked it backwards, looked at me and offered me a pez.

i fell in love.

9 years ago this week, that guy and i hung out in aruba celebrating our marriage and relaxing. it was bliss.

in august, that guy and i snuck away on a one night adventure to tomales bay. when we got into the car, he popped in a "mix tape" (ok it wasn't actually a mix tape)... this song was in the compilation:

forever can never be long enough for me
to feel like i've had long enough with you
forget the world now, we won't let them see
but there's one thing left to do

now that the weight has lifted
love has surly shifted my way

marry me
today and every day
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

together can never be close enough for me
to feel like i'm close enough to you
you wear white and i'll wear out the words i love you
and you're beautiful

now that the wait is over
and love has finally showed her my way

marry me
today and every day
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will

promise me you'll always be
happy by my side
i promise to sing to you
when all the music dies

and marry me
today and every day
marry me
if i ever get the nerve to say hello in this cafe

say you will
say you will
marry me

it reminded me of how we met. it reminded me of how much i love him. it reminded me that our marriage commitment isn't just a choice made once, but one we make each day.

and so happy 9 years, my sweet husband. thanks for getting up the nerve to say hello.

times 3

2011-10-19T17:18:00.000-07:00

ok, so now that you've seen p's first haircut snaps i can tell you the rest of the story.

when we walked into the salon the owner and head stylist pulled me to the side and asked if there was any way she could cut delaney's hair. d is a wee bit hair challenged at this point in time. her hair is fine and quite thin. it is a work in progress but our progress was slightly imposed upon at the moment d decided that she wanted to grow her hair out like repunzel. um... ok. me trying to explain to a three year old that you have to cut in order to grow wasn't quite as successful as i had hoped it would be. and so d declared that she was not in fact EVER going to cut her hair again. she would dance around her room in her repunzel wig and imagine the day that her real hair reached its goal.

anywho- when offered with help in getting d into the haircut chair, i happily accepted. although i must admit i had some momma guilt. you see here we were at p's first haircut and somehow the moment wasn't going to be quite as pure. instead of having something being about her with both of her sisters watching, it was turning into a shared moment.

but d REALLY needed a haircut.

within moments of d being offered a cut, she was climbing up into the chair. i have no idea what the stylist offered her but whatever it was it worked. before i could turn around another stylist offered to do a special braid and some curls in e's hair so that she wouldn't be left out.

yikes. somehow a moment that was for p wasn't that at all. not in any way. it was three girls getting styled and trimmed and glitterized (seriously, they all still have traces of glitter on their scalps).

it saddened me for a few minutes and then i went on with the business of tending to the girls. when we left the salon, scott made them all pose outside together (above picture).

it's funny. when i went back and looked at my photographs to post p's first haircut, i fell in love with this picture of my three girls. you see, here i was, trying to create a moment for p. that's a good thing. knowing the woes of third child (my baby book says that i potty trained at 5 and ate solid food at 2... i have a complex here people), i wanted to carve out a moment that was all hers. however, when i looked at that picture of the three of them, i realized that there will be a lifetime of moments that are all hers. as people, we tend to do that rather naturally. we can take a moment and turn it into a "me moment" in the blink of an eye. but as the mom of these three little ladies, i have a responsibility to help them create sister moments. i can empower them to share. i can train them to seek moments where they can celebrate one another rather than just themselves. i don't know how that translates in each of their lives, but i sure hope it evolves into women who seek to be in relationship with one another. i hope it promotes a mentality that lifts others up rather than one that longs to be at the top themselves. i pray that they learn the value of going deeper with people and coming alongside others. i desire that they engage in community and embrace people.

i know that is a long stretch from sharing a first haircut day. but all movements have to start somewhere. this is the movement i hope i am starting for them and i am thankful for a shared experience to help me really see the value in promoting the "sisterhood" rather than promoting the "me".

just look at their faces. in that shared moment, each one shines just as they are. their uniqueness that is displayed in their expressions contribute to the beauty of the picture as a whole.

snip snip

2011-10-17T10:34:00.000-07:00

it recently dawned on me that p had never had a haircut. things like this slip by me from time to time. call it third child denial syndrome... she couldn't possible be old enough to need a haircut, right? call it negligent momma... either one might be fitting in this case. anyway, sometime in august i realized that d couldn't see. i also realized that my husband had never attended the "first haircut" experience. i thought i might offer it up to him and see if he was interested in attending this event in the life of p. he did. unfortunately, that meant that we would have to wait a few weeks for a saturday appointment. a wait that was well worth it- as an involved daddy is priceless in the eyes of this momma.

after several weeks of waiting, our appointment day arrived. p was delighted to discover that this time the trip to the salon was for HER. when i asked her where she was going, she joyfully replied, "to my haircut!"

she carefully chose her chair and then adopted her business face. she took the job of "haircut client" rather seriously. she listened well. she sat still. she kept her chin down... you get the picture.

and there you have it: p's first haircut.

isn't she delish?

pops

2011-10-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

these snaps make me feel way less guilty about my 4 lb tub of red vines... that i told my small group i was going to share with them... and then didn't. but how can you feel bad about consuming 4 lbs. of red vines with your girls when you see these photos? you can't. i don't. while my waistline is appalled, my heart is really happy. for if i didn't eat all of above mentioned red vines then my sweet p would not have this beautiful bug box to house her cricket friend.

a joke and a photo

2011-10-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

a joke:
i am a terrible joke teller. i mess up the story. i forget the punch line. it all goes bad.

when i was in college i interviewed at a local sports bar for a waitressing position. the interview was going really well. the manager who was interviewing me told me he was pretty sure that he was going to hire me but that he had one more question. he then asked me to tell him a joke.

uh oh.

this is the joke that i told him:

three guys were down on their luck, walking down a country road. as it started to get dark they began to think about where they could stay for the night. seeing a barn off in the distance, the first guy suggested they hide in the barn for the night. the other two guys, not having any better ideas agreed this was a good plan. they headed off through some orchards towards the barn and made beds in the hay loft. early the next the morning the farmer went into the barn to tend to the animals. much to the three guys dismay, they were discovered by the farmer who was not really happy. the three guys tried to convince the farmer that they were sorry and that they would do anything to keep the farmer from turning them into the local police. the farmer took the bait. he told the three guys that to make up for it, they had to go out into the fields and pick a bushel of any crop that they wanted to. the three guys grabbed their bushel baskets and headed off in different directions to pick the crop of their choice. after some time, the first guy headed back to the barn with his full bushel basket of peaches and handed them to the farmer. the farmer instructed the man to drop his pants and bend over. he then poured the bushel basket of peaches onto the guys hind side. the guy was moaning in pain and rather embarrassed. after he pulled up his pants he took a seat on a bail of hay. a few minutes later, the second guy came into the barn with his bushel basket of apples. the farmer instructed him to do the same as the first guy. while the apples were dumped on the second guys tush, he screamed out in pain. after he gained composure he took a seat on the hay bail next to his friend. suddenly the two guys burst out in laughter. they were giggling and hee hawing. this angered the farmer.

"what are you laughing about? this is not supposed to be funny! tell me why you are laughing!" the infuriated farmer demanded.

between gut grabbing laughs, the two men blurted out, "the third guys picking watermelons".

i did not get the job.

and a photo...

i usually share more each summer about my garden. earlier this year i showed you my plot of hope in my backyard. and then summer got underway and i lost track of time and meandered away from writing for a little bit. but i wanted to share a bit about my little garden. it yielded cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots, radishes, eggplants, a small handful of strawberries, some squash, lettuce, onions, potatoes, and some peppers that are somehow just now ripening.

oh.

and some mini watermelons. aren't they cute?

yum.

i was born and raised a yankee fan

2011-10-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

just in case you were wondering where the buser girls stood on this issue.

sorry, dad.

go bradley!

2011-10-03T21:02:00.000-07:00

almost exactly 4 years ago scott and i began taking bradley classes for the birth of d. we figured that since simply wanting a natural birth didn't quite work out the first time (i was begging for drugs after a few hours of having my water broken), we wanted to be more prepared.

the classes cost around $400. the babysitter for e was $40 for 8 weeks. if you do the math, that was a $720 investment to choose pain.

i've been thinking about that investment a lot lately... it paid off in the short term. d came into this world without drugs. a few years later it paid off again with p. if you divide it between d and p... it was only $360 a kid. not bad.

but the math doesn't end there.

i am also beginning to think that the bradley method is far more genius than i could have ever known at the time. you see, i find myself using his strategies years post laboring.

take today for example. i used his "focus on your happy place" strategy to make it through the bickering that occurred throughout breakfast. his "counting breaths" method worked well as d was terrorizing her sister as we played in the front yard. and yes, i used his "focus on relaxing each muscle group" while trying to get dinner on the table.

i'm beginning to wonder if bradley tried to play a little trick on all of us "naturally" inclined birthing mommas. i question if maybe, he knew that he'd have our undivided attention as we prepared for birth to REALLY give us tools that would actually help us survive later journeys in motherhood. i'm not sure they helped all that much in the birthing process, but those tricks are paying off dividends in the toddler, preschooler, elementary years (for this momma, at least).

yes. that was $720 that i would invest all over again. sure, i felt like i had reached a mountain top after each drug free birth, but i had no idea how i would feel after surviving a day like today by using those tools all over again.

i am momma! hear me roar...

d's first day

2011-10-02T20:34:00.000-07:00

my d has been waiting her entire life to go to preschool. her momma has been in no hurry. it's funny how it changes from kid 1 to kid 2. with e, i was excited for the first day, but with d i sort of wanted to put it off for as long as possible. it's not that i don't want her to explore the great big world without her momma, it's just that i know she has lots of time for that. she doesn't have lots of time to stay safe in the confines of the pre preschool. the world could wait, as far as this mom was concerned. but alas, i knew the time had come for my 3 1/2 year old girlie to begin the academic adventure that awaits her.

and so a few weeks ago, my d began her journey into the world without her mom. she was excited to finally use the backpack that she received last year for chirstmas. although she doesn't really need a backpack, she toted it none-the-less. the night before she had a mild case of "but momma, what if's". it was the typical slew of questions, but sort of uncharacteristic for this little bug. once she sorted through her worry list, she was good to go. on the big day, she asked "how long until i leave?" about 3000 times. since she attends in the afternoon, so it felt like years in the life of a 3 year old. she made it, though. and off to school she skipped.

she posed for her obligatory "first day of school" snaps with excitement. having watched her sister do this for the past few years, she knew it was a rite of passage. it was a rite of passage that i believe she secretly coveted. for the first time, this photo was about her.

as i drove her to school, i started to get nervous. notice it was me- not her... yep, that's right it was the momma with the "giant sized butterflies".

and then off into the world she went.

she loves that she has something "unknown" to share at the dinner table each night. she loves that she has her very own picture day and book fair. she giggle about her new friends and her sweet teacher. she's good and for her, all is right in the world.

God sounds like...

2011-09-28T07:58:00.000-07:00

a while ago our church did a series titled, "God sounds like". they went through different genres of music and paralleled the composition style of the music to characteristics of God (i'm having a hard time describing it so i'm going to go ahead and stick with that description).

i kept waiting for the hip-hop / pop music week. it didn't happen. don't get me wrong. the series was way good, but i'd be lying if i said i wasn't a wee bit disappointed.

it got me thinking... and listening to the radio with a bit of intentionality. if God were to be captured by a hip-hop / pop song, which song would it be? at first look, i realized that my kids shouldn't be listening to the radio without some serious adult supervision. there's a ton of songs that have catchy choruses and toe tapping beats that are downright raunchy when you fully listen to the lyrics.

but i didn't want to give up in my quest.

here's what i've come up with... God sounds a lot like bruno mars (grenade). go ahead, take a listen. i'll be right here when you return.

anyone got my back on this one? isn't it fair to say that Jesus is a lot like the dude that bruno sings about? bruno's dude is catching grenades and jumping in front of trains and all he's asking in return is that this girl give him all of her love. not too much to ask, right? that's what my man Jesus wants from us too. He died (on a cross not by a bullet in the brain but on a very real cross... and either way you arrive at the same ending) for us and asks us to love him in return. He asks us to die for Him, too. not a physical death but a death from self in exchange for a lifetime in heaven. not such a bad trade if you think about it.

the first lines of the song are...

easy come, easy go that's just how you live. oh, take take take it all but you never give.

i've been thinking of that line a great deal over the past few months. grace based faith is important for many reasons but it can't just end there. we can't just take what God has given to us and leave it at that. we are called to action.

what does that look like? sometimes i get caught up in the grander things that God calls some of us to do. but i think our calling, in its simplest form, produces things like

spending time with Him

in prayer

in His word

in worship (even through a bruno mars song)

it can be a patience with the irritatingly slow lady at the gas station

a kind smile to the momma who's babes are having a meltdown in the grocery checkout

being present in the life of someone going through the challenges life has thrown at them...

the opportunities are endless.

and i must admit, i often miss the mark and don't answer the call of the Holy Spirit to step out of myself and be the girl that gives.

and so for me, sometimes God sounds like grenade by bruno mars.

but the good news is that the lyrics in my song change. so can yours. we all get to choose today to follow a different path. we get to choose Him and to love Him and to live in a way where we don't just take His grace but answer the call that we hear deep within our hearts. we get to give back in response to this unbelievable sacrifice made on our behalf.

the end.

p at age 2

2011-09-27T18:14:00.000-07:00

my p is following in the footsteps of her big sister d. she is full of adventure. short on fear. constantly seeking giggles. searching for thrills. she makes the other moms at the park gasp. she usually has dirty toes. her hair is perpetually in her eyes. and she brings much joy (and exhaustion) to my days.

my dad's really old

2011-09-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

in july i had the privilege of celebrating my dad's 70th birthday- he didn't actually turn 70 until september but he's difficult like that. you have to surprise the guy way ahead of time to get one past him. i made the trip to ny under the mask of attending an old friends wedding in the town where i grew up- not sure how he bought it as i haven't been back there in a bazillion years, but he did. i spent the day before the party hanging out with the family and some close friends of my dad. on saturday morning he went off for a golf extravaganza not having a clue what was to come. when he arrived home from golf, he was greeted in the street by all of his family and tons of his life-long friends. it was beautiful. i loved looking around and seeing all of these people that he has done life with. by now, you know that i value relationships a great deal. friendships mean a lot to me. i owe this value to my dear old dad. attending the party were friends he has had from every part of his life. there were peeps from his childhood, golf buddies, pals from before he had kids, pals from his years in marcellus and pals from his current hood that have become family. and each person in attendance celebrated the man that he is- a man of relationships, a man of humor, a man of adventure.

with siblings strung across the united states, it is a rare day for all of us to be together. i cherish the brief time that we all had to be together. it was lovely to hang out with them and share conversations, stories and old family videos.

i have some pretty amazing siblings. my brother lives in austin and is going to school and working for a really cool company. stacy is a homeschooling momma with 5 kiddos in her "school"- that makes me tired to even think about, a leader of her women's ministry at her church, and the caretaker for my momma. heather is a proud momma of 3, a fashionista, cabi consultant and closet auditor. and my littlest sister, amanda is steps away from getting her masters and about to start pa school. it makes me proud to think about all of them. each one is beautiful and accomplished in such unique ways.

i went to sleep on saturday night on an aerobed on the floor of our guest room. billy was at the foot of my mattress on the floor and heather and amanda were sharing the queen bed. stacy and her fam were just down the hall in one direction and my dad and smom were just down the hall in the other direction.

the weirdest thing overcame me as i tried to sleep. i was giddy. i can't really remember the last time that we were all under the same roof of my father's home, tucked into our beds together. most families experience this their entire life, but for me this is an unusual occurrence. i didn't want to close my eyes and drift off into dreamland because i just wanted to savor the moment.

while this was very much a wonderful way to celebrate my daddy, it was just as memorable for me. i will replay scenes from this weekend for years to come and will not soon forget the incredible feeling of togetherness.

i am grateful. thanks, dad, for a reason to assemble. you are one of kind and i love you so very much.

a bunny and a grandma

2011-09-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

i would like to go on record saying that my grandmother is the most amazing woman i have ever known. i know a lot of pretty cool women, but she takes the cake and always has. i had the privilege of hosting her and my father for a visit (i promise to write more about the rest of the trip soon), but today i want to highlight this particular part. mostly, because my dad asked me to post these pics and i thought they were lost forever in my cell phone that fell apart in my hands on friday. lucky for me, i had them stored in my camera and not my phone.

gigi, as she is called by my girls, thought it was a hoot that we had a leash for our pet rabbits. in fact, i think she thought it was a hoot that we had pet rabbits in the first place. she wanted to be sure we captured her "walking the bunny" so she could show her gal pals and daughters.

so here you have it: gigi walking the bunny. named lucy. who we thought was a girl. but have reason to suspect might be a boy. oy! (i'll keep you posted on that one.)

and may i just highlight that gigi is going to be 92 in november. have you ever seen such a sassy dresser? i mean really, she has on boot cut jeans and is ever so stylish! i just wanted to point that out because... well, my gigi is pretty amazing. but she's not just amazing for her outward stuff... she shared with me some pretty cool tips on life.

one of the things that i will hold onto is her attitude about life. our conversation began with me asking her what she believed was the greatest invention in her lifetime. i wanted to know what changed her life the most and impacted her directly. she answered it with, "well, the airplane was pretty amazing but it didn't change my life right away. flying was so expensive and as a girl, i didn't fly until much later in life. i think it was the television or the radio. it was a family activity and maybe even a neighborhood activity. you didn't watch or listen alone. you would invite friends over and share a program together and it also helped you to be connected with what was going on in the world." cool perspective.

and then i asked her if it was difficult to see all the changes that she has seen in her lifetime. i asked her if she felt like our world now was a scarier place now than at other times in her life.

her answer was pretty amazing. she said, "tasha, the world has changed. it gets bad and then it gets better. it has highs and it has lows. at one point you think this is the very worst and how could it possibly get better from here. and then it gets better. it's like a pendulum going back and forth between good times and bad. i always find that it is best to just look forward. there isn't any benefit to looking back. sure, it's hard to adapt but life goes forward and if you refuse to move forward with it, it will leave you behind."

i love that. i think that as human beings we have a tendency to pine for the past. we put on our rose colored glasses and trick ourselves into thinking that what we once had was better than what we have now. i remember as a new mom i had days where i wondered why in the world we would have rocked our "no kids" boat. we were foot loose and fancy free- not tied to naps or covered in spit up. and yet, we didn't have our precious e. sure, being a new mom is hard, but it is in fact better. sometimes you have to climb out of the dirty nappies to see that (so to speak), but it's true.

when we moved to california i thought similar thoughts. i longed for chicago and my home in la grange. i had moments where sadness took over and i tricked myself into thinking that if i could just go back i would be in glory land. not true. glory land is the here and now. glory land is grabbing a snuggle with p or catching the twinkle in the eyes of d. it is a quick kiss from my husband or reading with my dear e. glory land is dinner with my p-town girls or glimpse up at this beautiful california sky. it isn't absent of pain or frustration. it isn't perfections but it is what is happening now. it's showing up. it's being attentive for the person that needs a smile or a hug. it's being willing to listen. it's sharing a meal or a coffee. it's meeting at the park. and instead of just "passing the time" it is engaging with those that you are surrounded by.

i am so grateful for my grandmother. i cherish her wisdom and am beyond thankful for each and every moment i get to spend with her. she is wise... beyond her years.

(all things in quotes are paraphrases as i remember them.)

10k part 2011

2011-09-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

this morning i ran in my 2nd annual 10k for breast cancer. last year, thanks to so much generosity from so many of you, i ran to raise money for my sister. it was motivating. with each step, with each mile, i knew that i was taking hard earned money from your wallets in an effort to alleviate some burden on my sister's cancer induced financial strain. i felt this responsibility to run, to do my best, to "earn" that money for her, so to speak. it also felt overwhelming and minimal and "not enough". my sister was in the middle of a fight for her life and i was sweating a little bit, enjoying some time with a friend, and taking in some amazing views found in freemont, ca.

my siter has spent the better part of the last year "fighting". she has endured months of chemo, daily radiation, a handful of surgeries, and a very regular schedule of being poked and prodded by a team of doctors. sounds fun, right? yeah, i don't think so either. she's done it with a smile, with a sense of strength, and with a faith in God like i can't describe. i am not surprised- it's who she's always been. but it has been inspiring to watch.

her cancer diagnosis has shaken me a little. i've asked God a lot of questions about the how's and why's of all of this. and with His help, i've come to formulate some opinions on the matter. i'll come back to this in a minute.

today i ran with a dear friend of mine, dawn. she lost her momma to cancer a few years ago. i don't think it is a coincidence that our first "real" conversation was about her mom, cancer and their journey. it happened a few months prior to stacy's diagnosis and i've thought about it so many times since. i had no idea what was in store for my beloved sister. and yet, right before i would need it, God placed an amazing woman in my life that would know the journey well. i also ran with dawn's cousin today, and while i don't know her personally, i do know of how she supported dawn's family by being present at the funeral of dawn's mom.

i ran the first half of the race with these two beautiful women. we chatted, we sweat, and passed the time. it was nice.

about half way through the race the 10k runners sort of collided with the 5k walkers. it was right at the moment where my body was starting to feel the heat and my legs were getting sore... not so much fun to be dodging through masses of people as you tried to keep up your endurance. anyhow, in an effort to maintain my sanity, i became separated from dawn and erica. immediately, i missed the conversation. but as i let my mind wander. i began to think about dawn and my sister and a friend in pleasanton who recently began chemo. i also had a few epiphanies. i never met dawn's mom. from what i have heard, i really wish i could. as i though about dawn running for her momma i started to get a little choked up and then i realized something. in many ways, i've met her. through the sparkle in dawn's eyes, through her calm voice and her intentional parenting. i bet i've met her mom through her sense of style and her chic taste in home decor. the list could go on. i could be wrong and i know it is not even close to meeting dawn's actual momma, but it brought me some comfort. i also thought about how proud her momma would feel with her daughter and the woman she has become.

i also began to see how for as much as cancer sucks, it also has a few positive outcomes.  in some instances, it can be unifying. for dawn and i, it was the focus of our first real conversation. and over the past months, it has motivated us to run regularly. through that running, we've been blessed with the opportunity to really get to know each other. dawn and i would have been friends regardless, but i find it interesting that cancer unites us in a different way. we have another mutual friend who i find this to be true about- and while i would never in a million years wish cancer on anyone and while i can only imagine how much they long for their mommas, i am thankful that we are united by it. i feel blessed that these two women have been "in my circle" over the past two years and known the path that my sister was walking. it lightened the load in some ways for me.

now let's get back to what i was saying before. i've been asking God a lot of questions over this past year and digging into His word to find some of the answers. one of the conclusions that i have come to is that God does not CAUSE bad things to happen to us. but He participate in them happening to us.  as i've watched stacy on her journey, i see how her morning time with Him has maintained her strength and kept her focused on the purpose of the journey. i've seen how God has created a community to lift her up- people have sent her cards on a regular basis, ministered to her family by bringing them dinners, friends have taken turns watching her children on the days when she needed rest, people have sent gifts, left messages on facebook, offered hugs... it goes on and on and on. and it inspires me about the good that can be found in the heart of people. God longs for us to be a community such as this. He longs for us to walk through the mess of life together and to point one another in the direction of Him.

in hebrews chapter 10 vs. 24-25 it says:
so let's do it - full of belief, confident and presentable inside and out. let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps His word. let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big day approaching.

in romans chapter 12 vs. 9-10 it says this:
love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

i love that!  was i just invited to be inventive in encouraging and helping others? looks like it. did the bible just tell me to be a good friend who loves deeply? yep. was i just encouraged to play second fiddle? uh-huh.

it's not always easy to do. putting others before us and fading a little bit into the background sometimes feels counter-culture. it's hard and it isn't our nature. but it's what we are really called to do.

i haven't found an answer for why their is cancer in this very broken and sinful world (although that could be the simplest form of an answer), but i can say with certainty that cancer has this ability to bring light and joy and community into our lives. it can point us in the direction of heaven. it can diminish our "me focus" and help us focus on the pain and suffering of those in our world.

i hate cancer. but i have found that i love some of the things that it brings to the surface.

so here's to running. here's to my sister. here's to dawn and shanon and friendship and sharing life with those we are blessed to be surrounded by. here's to a God that didn't miss a topic in His teaching and His plan for us to do this thing together.

a peak into the thoughts of e

2011-08-02T16:32:00.000-07:00

things for thanks

fruit saturday storys bagels

Quinn Me Lemon heads

meatballs kittens poppy cats uniqorns

dogs mom mirikles

dad God puppys kaylie

happy endings picnics

p
r
i
n
s
e
s
s
e
s

i found the above on a piece of paper in e's nightstand. she is notorious for making lists of things... lists of friends, favorite books, things she wants to buy with the money she doesn't have (giggle) and other things of that nature. i found this one today. it made me smile. i thought i'd share. it was written with the spelling and capitalization that you see and done with a red colored pencil. i love it. i love her. enjoy.

not a garge sale part deux

2011-07-18T21:09:00.000-07:00

you may recall that last year we cleaned out our garage. it was a comical event that we refer to as "not a garage sale". well, that was all good and fine until we had to up and move AGAIN. as you can imagine, moving with three kiddos (one who is in the pull everything out of every drawer, bin, closet etc. stage) is a little chaotic. as a result, our garage has been a wee bit of a disaster. and so, yet again, we hauled it all onto the front lawn and got down to the business of putting things into place.

e was delighted when a few people drove up to see if we were having a garage sale. while we didn't have a steady flow of traffic like last year (and didn't need to make a sign), e loved telling people that we were just cleaning the garage.

we discovered that it is inevitable. very soon, we are in fact going to be having a garage sale. with three growing babes we have a lot of stuff to unload. but in spite of the tight quarters, i was able to pull my big 'ole gas guzzler into the garage and close the door. it was a good feeling.

i would also like to report there was some suspicious activities going on while this momma and daddy-o were cleaning. i went to investigate. e was standing over a closed box with a roll of tape in hand. poppy was watching intently from the sidelines with a very perplexed look on her face. once the box was taped shut, e went on her merry way.

suddenly the box began moving a little bit and the tape was starting to loosen. look closely.

any guesses on what was inside? i'm pretty sure you can do the math.

a family of 5 becomes a family of...

2011-07-18T08:20:00.000-07:00

it has been a busy week around here. we went from a family of 5 to a family of 7. that's right... we finally caved and bought the girls a pet. well, two pets, because their momma is a little bit of a sucker. i spent the better part of last week tracking down breeders and visiting pet shops. i must say, i rather enjoyed it.

without further ado, here is stardust (e's baby mini-lop):

and d's bunny named lucy (named after my mom's mom... when i told my mother i believe she was slightly offended that we named a bunny after her mother. d thought it was a grand name as it was the second runner up to be her own moniker):

since i sort of had to twist my husband's arm to agree to the new family members, i thought it would be best if i kept expenses down. i posted a want add on freecycle and was able to get everything i needed for free except the bunnies, water bottle and food bin. pause for a moment on that... the hutch you see is a pretty penny at various sites on the web. the toys, the timothy hay, a few bags of pellets... all free! i was over the moon. which might explain why we came home with two bunnies instead of one... you just can't have a hutch that big with just one girl. it beckoned for a sister.

on the way to pick up our bunnies e said, "my life is going to be amazing. today it is going to change forever." she was beaming from ear to ear.

d loves her bunny, too. lucy is a sweet girl who is very tolerant of her pint sized momma.

and the biggest fan of all... well that's p, of course. the bunnies might not like her as much as she likes them though. it's a work in progress.

and just to keep things over the top insane... we bought a leash and have been walking the girls around the back yard.

it sure is a rodeo over here.... but a very fun one, that's for sure. if you see me on the street with a bunny attached to my leash, promise not to laugh. it's for the girls.

happy birthday to you!

2011-07-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

when i get behind on blogging, i always run into this mental dilemma... do i back track and post about the things that have happened over the weeks or months where i was negligent or do i pick up right where i am and go from there with a clean slate?

since the purpose of my writing is for my children in future years, i thought that today called for a back track.

you see, in february, we had a very special visit from some very special people: my girlies auntie merritt and uncle jon! scott's sister and brother-in-law made the journey from michigan to visit us for about a week. and with them, they brought the most special gift of all... cousin stella. it was such a treat to meet this precious little muffin.

we had a delightful week together. i have such fond memories of special times with my cousins and auties as a child, that these days mean ever so much to me. even though we live so far away, i just know that they are going to be near and dear to one another. i imagine sweet stella coming to visit in her teenage years or sweet e tagging along on a vacation with auntie merritt as resident babysitter. it will unfold and i know that it will be beautiful.

we took a trip into the city and rode a boat under the golden gate bridge, hung on pier 39 and some of us rode a cable car. we took in china town and i'm sure a few other things that i am probably forgetting.

auntie merritt also did a nail salon party for the girls and we had family game night (with jiffy pop).

sweet stella took in her first ride on the swings. it was fun to part of this milestone. she was somewhat indifferent, but it was sweet to see.

and then to keep things fun, we made them pose for a masked girlie photo. poppy was a little less than cooperative as she wanted to play peek-a-boo, but stella obliged her auntie and sat like a good girl (might have something to do with her lack of mobility at 7 months of age).

and now... when i finally have gotten around to posting these, sweet stella is celebrating her first birthday. happy birthday, pretty girlie. your auntie, uncle and cousins love you very much!

earth day musings

2011-04-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

it is a week past earth day... but i haven't forgotten it. i'll start with a little update on our earth friendly (or unfriendly) habits:

i continue to struggle with my remembering of those dang reusable bags. it's not that i don't have enough! i have a bag filled with bags. i remember them some of time, but not all of the time. it drives me bongos. once upon a time i forced my forgetful self to carry whatever it was that i was buying when i forgot. these days, i take the bags and growl at myself a bit. i tried an incentive for the kiddos- a quarter for every time they reminded me to put them in the car. apparently, quarters are the new penny because they don't seem to be doing the trick either. i'm going to continue to work on this.

cutting down on our use of plastic and paper products has been a success. thanks to my own momma, i now possess more kitchen wash cloths than a girl knows what to do with. i have been using them for hand-wiping instead of the dreaded paper towel. since i have so many, i don't have to worry about running out before i can get a fresh load of laundry in the machine. thanks to my reusable lunch bags, we cut down on a bunch of those being waisted and added to land fills daily. i still keep some in my pantry and use them on occasion, but it's a step in the right direction.

we have issues with those earth friendly light bulbs... i just don't dig the color of light that they produce and am not a fan of the recycling process that they entail. i know everyone is behind them, but they just don't make sense to me. convince me- i want to like them.

i've also spent the better part of the last year freecyling things (http://www.freecyle.org/). i have given away every box that we used to move (twice), baby items that we no longer have use for and that wouldn't sell for more than 20 buckaroos, bed frames, cribs, extra luggage, books... the list is endless. if you don't freecyle, i encourage you to do so. you post the item (no picture) and then wait for peeps who want it. within minutes of posting i usually have a taker. we email to arrange pick-up and then i leave it on my porch with their name on the item. i have also been the recipient of some items- curtain rods, a brass bed frame (for real- it's gorge and in the garage waiting for the next crib jumper), books... that might be it. the items i've taken from others are things i wouldn't buy but have been happy to receive. it keeps a lot of stuff from going to waste.

my newest love is a website called http://www.thredup.com/ in a nutshell, you post boxes of baby gear- typically clothing and sell a $10.95 box (usps flat rate box) for $5. for $15 bucks a person can buy a box full of items. they are typically grouped based on size... for example, "mostly t's 4t". you pay the $15 bucks and you get a box full of sized 4t t-shirts. the "seller" posts a brief description of what the box contains (no pictures needed) and you buy base on your needs. this is genius for my family. d and p have closets full of hand-me-downs from big sister. the trouble is that for some reason, i keep finding that each bin of used goodies is lacking in one area. at age 3 , e had a tendency to spill on her shirts, rendering a lot of tops useless. at age 4, she was into elastic waist pants... d's into dresses. you get the point. this site is a good "fill in the gaps" sort of place. and you can post too. if you are not down with a random box- no worries. just get rid of your own stuff here. instead of giving it away, you get five smackers for each box you sell.

lastly- and this isn't a new thing, i'm in love with the re purposing of objects. i have an old secretary that was one man's junk- this man's treasure. i have a few dressers that we might have smuggled from our previous seller and painted to make them beautiful (the yellow dresser in my guest room is one of these objects). i love messing with the old and making it new.

as i was contemplating my earth day post, my friend dawn sent me a link to this zero waste shop in berkley (of course it's in berkley- ha). she suggested we go together but the trash to treasure girl in me couldn't wait- i hopped in the car the very first chance i had (not so eco friendly)... and i'll go back as soon as she and i can coordinate a time that works.

and so here you have urban ore:

my gps took me to this big 'ole warehouse. it's huge.

they utilize every piece of real estate they have... the outside was filled with...

toilets. yep! you need one? they've got it. seats, bowls, the toppers for the back... every kind! they also had windows a plenty- new, vintage, frames... hundreds of each. i was in shock. you proceed to the interior of this big grey building and you'll find rows upon rows of doors- interior, exterior, modern, victorian... you get the point.

and then you sort of meander through and find a plethora of "trash"... waiting to become one man's treasure.

d was a fan of this pink version of the golden gate bridge.

i stumbled upon this little treasure- a record that made me think of my dad. immediately i pictured him dancing in my kitchen on a saturday morning while i step-mom cooked breakfast. i love those visual stimulants for memory lane. good times.

p was enthralled by some pink doggies hanging high in the vaults. there was a lot of woof woofing and giggling.

back to when we entered the warehouse- d mentioned that it was pretty stinky. yep! the entire place smells like cat urine. it was less than shocking when we stumbled upon this little creature a few rows in. (ick! the smell not the cat herself. she was rather pleasant.)

d tried out for head majorette while i told her stories of her nana who was on the team in high school. it was good times to see.

and throughout the joint there were reminders of why you were there (putting up with the stinky).

we went home with two chairs for the dining room that we have been working on. i will be removing the nasty cushions and reupholstering them before they make a move out of the garage, thank you very much... but a good find none-the-less.

and if you don't live in the east bay? well have no fear! you can help the good 'ole mother earth in a similar fashion in a town near you. my experience is that the kane county flea market is a similar treasure trove. i've also googled flea markets all over the country. there are a ton of them!

and so- to wrap it all up, here's my point... if you can go to a little extra effort to find the stuff you need from a person that no longer needs it... jackpot! if you have stuff you no longer need, find someone who can make use of it! the wee bit of extra effort is way worth it and the character that your home (or the takers home) can gain is awesome. do it. do not delay.

our mother will thank you!

making a comeback

2011-04-28T21:09:00.000-07:00

if you've been a blog follower of mine for a while, you may remember this post from the early years. go ahead and check it out. i'll be right here when you get back...

now that you are up to speed...

i would like to report that i baby beth is alive and well. she's been hanging out at the bottom of the baby basket for the past few months.

today, d and p were out front playing while momma was painting some furniture. d asked me if she could go inside to get some babies to push around in her stroller.

sure, muffin. mamma's down with that. oh- and could you grab one for p because she's going to want one if you have one.

a few moments later d emerged with her own favorite baby doll and... wait for it... baby beth, for p. and while i was slightly injured that it wasn't d's first pick, i was excited that she was making an appearance.

p pushed baby beth around for the better part of an hour. i was stoked. after our playtime, i ushered the girls inside for nap. as we headed for the stairs i reminded the girls that the dolls needed to be put away. both girls obediently trucked up the stairs with babies under their arms (p under my arm). when we arrived in p's room, she went about her normal routine of running away to avoid the inevitable pre-nap diaper change. she stood next to her bed and proceeded to toss her blanket, giraffe, and be-po over the crib rails in preparation for bed. as i was about to reach for her and engage in the diaper changing tackle... my little muffin grabbed for baby beth. yep- then she tried to hurl the big 'ol beloved baby over the side of the bed. momma was happy to help with this task. and so today, my sweet p slept with her normal collection and her momma's favorite dolly. (geesh- it's getting crowded in there!)

when i went in to get her from nap, she was laying her head on beth's belly. snuggling, if you will.

and then at bedtime... well, here. you can see for yourself.

baby beth is making a come back! that's right- she has no place in the "must toss" pile that e may have chosen for her a few years back.

watch out- the koosah's next.

a game

2011-04-23T14:15:00.000-07:00

a little game: it's called, "Do you know the name of the baby in this picture?".

if you'd like to play along, leave a comment and share with with us. you can even include a caption if you'd like.

two down...

2011-04-20T19:24:00.000-07:00

i would like to start out by saying that i used to follow a blog of a really sweet girl. eventually she began to do this segment where she did some mr. linky thing and people basically all linked in and shared their stuff... sometimes it was rooms of their home, sometimes birthday parties, favorite stores... what have you. soon after she began doing this i stopped reading her blog.

from what i can tell, she is a wonderful woman but there was some ick factor for me as i logged in and saw all of these people showing off their "stuff". while her content the rest of the time was pretty basic and palatable the "show us your blah blah blah" was bothersome to me. i imagine her heart was actually fine but none-the-less it gave me the creeps.

what can i say? i'm not much of a fan for the "keeping up with the joneses" mentality and when i logged in all i could think of were all the people who might have felt embarrassed by their party, living room or favorite store. in fact, i imagine that reading it could also be a jumping off stimulator for spending money that they didn't have. imagine it- a momma sitting at home feeling like her living room is junky. she's killing a little time before lunch and checking out her favorite stops on the web. she lands on the show us your living room blog page and looses some time checking out all the linkys to these beautiful living rooms. she puts the kiddos down for nap and it sort of eats at her while the babies rest. sure enough- as soon as the babes wake from their nap momma is off to the store. maybe it's tar-jay, maybe pottery barn... it really doesn't matter. soon, she could be consumed by the spirit of less-than and discontent. and as quick as that happens, a momma might be inclined to start spending money that she doesn't have and making choices that she knows are not in the family budget in an effort to keep up and an effort to fill some sort of void she feels.

if we're honest- i think most of us would admit that this has happened to us at one point or another. a friend shows up with new shoes on and you start thinking about how you NEED a new pair. a neighbor takes a trip to the place you've always longed to go... this can go on and on. we feel bad. we throw personal "woe is me" parties. we put the wheels in motion to do things that we know we shouldn't really be doing.

i know it has happened to me. i fought that demon years ago. i had a friend who was really talented and also had a lot of money and also had similar home decorating taste to mine. every time i went near said friend, i walked away feeling like my house was all poo-p00-patchoo and that i had to "fix" it. i never was able to and i never felt fulfilled after trying.

it wasn't until years later that i realized my taste was different from hers. i also realized that it wasn't her sense of decor i was after. it was an effort to fill a void. now, when i find myself trying to fill that void with "stuff" i tend to break it down and be a little bit more honest with myself. i call it what it is- the satisfaction of the flesh and remind myself that it never works. i also remind myself that honoring my hubs hard earned buckaroos is a much more important value to chase instead of chasing the title of master decorator (which i am not). (and with three kiddos under my belt i have also learned that cool stuff doesn't look all that cool for long- it is a never ending quest of perfection that i will never win. ha! kiddos 1: momma 0).

i say all of that because i am about to show you my stuff. ick.

seriously- if seeing an episode on hgtv makes you grab your keys and run to home depot, please stop reading this post.

if decorating tips and discussions on room design make you feel like you need to go overturn a room in your own home- do not read further.

i say that- not because anything i have is special or worth coveting, but because i've been there. somehow, the ugliest room (quite possibly the one i am about to reveal) can somehow still have the same effect on us as the most beautiful one. that effect is that icky spirit of discontent. yuck.

so then why are you going to show us your stuff, girlfriend? (you may be asking...)

because many of you have asked. because i live very far from my fam and lots of friends who want to see. because as i finish a space i get tickled pink that i get to check off a room from my to-do list. maybe none of those are good reasons and if they aren't- i encourage you to let me know. i am thick skinned and can handle it (smile). i also welcome feedback.

so without further ado- here is my family room in its almost finished glory (it still lacks baseboards but those will come in due time).

here is the room before we moved in:

here it is mid-process:

and here it is in it's current state. done.

nothing fancy- just done. it still needs some special touches on a wall or two, but for the most part it is the culmination of lots of hard work from a husband-wife painting team and is evidence that i've at least unpacked. also- if you've known me for a while you can look around these snaps and see that it is all the stuff i've always had. nothing new. i like that i was able to do that. while i enjoy perusing the newest catalogues and home design books, i am also trying to be diligent in my appreciation for what i have. i've been blessed- sure with stuff, but more importantly with some great peeps to fill up that finished room. more important to me are the kiddos, friends, family that will adorn that couch. the conversations that i may have with a girlfriend while sipping some joe have a far greater value than just about anything else.

and there you have it. care to join me on my sofa for a nice chat? i'd love to see you soon.

time to cook the doughnuts

2011-04-20T16:48:00.000-07:00

i haven't been blogging much since "the move". i wish i could say exactly what it was- busy with house projects, 3 girls going in 3 directions, a very distracted momma, a husband that has been working lots of hours... all of those? some of those? other things? i don't really know. but what i do know is that it isn't due to a lack of material. we've had A LOT going on these past few months!

one of those events is near and dear to my heart. a few weeks ago we had the pleasure of craig's company. craig is a college friend of my hubs, but over the years i think it is fair to say that he is my friend too. i adore him. i always have- but in recent years i have added a new reason to my list. it has to do with the kiddos. he visited me on my second day home from the hospital with e. shortly after, he moved. since his move to the big apple, he's been intentional in visiting us each year. that is a power move to this momma. you see, not only does he value his relationship with my hubs but he also places a value on my children.

he visits. he engages. he notices. he connects. he loves (that's right zimm, this momma noticed that too). what that means to this momma is beyond verbal expression. it is a heart matter, more specifically- a melt the heart matter. i adore watching it.

this visit was no different. zimm (as many people refer to him) knew from his last visit that we are the proud owners of a deep fryer. knowing this, he came armed with an old camp doughnut recipe. upon arrival he went over the ingredients list and planned out the things we might need (apparently my expired baking soda and powder weren't going to fit the bill). he got the missing items and planned out a time when the doughnut making extravaganza could commence. that's right- zimm made doughnuts with my three girlies.

now i don't know if you've ever made doughnuts before, but i am here to tell you that it is a pretty labor intensive project.

it starts with the mixing of ingredients.

they were all ears- but this is early in the game. i wasn't surprised that he had their undivided attention for that part.

after some serious mixing, sifting, combining etc. they moved on to the rolling out stage. i was uber impressed with his patience. my girlies might be a tad tentative about getting their hands dirty but somehow he had them all ooey and gooey and doughnut rolling. impressive!

e opted out of the doughnut business after her first roll and cut round. for her, that is impressive. with me she doesn't typically make it past the mixing of the wet with the dry ingredients. d lasted for two rounds. i wasn't super shocked by this as she has a bigger love cooking and higher tolerance for messy hands. not bad.

the one that was shocking was miss p. p was down for a nap when the doughnut extravaganza began but woke up somewhere in the middle of the party. she jumped right in (and zimm didn't miss a beat) and seemed to be in it for the long haul. she made it by his side right down to the final roll and cut.

as the rounds of dough were cut out, fry daddy (aka scott) took them to task in the deep fryer (it is his machine, after all). one by one they were cooked to a golden brown.

upon exiting the hot oil, they were set to cool. i was then put into motion tossing them in sugar and preparing them for their final stage...

you know- down the hatch!

it was quite an afternoon! our bellies were happily filled. and as i look back on these snaps- my heart overflows at a friend who is such a treasure.

a box and a prayer

2011-04-19T20:09:00.000-07:00

i told you last year that my garden produced ONE tomato. granted- my garden was a sad container garden that might have longed for a tad bit more water than it was getting, but no matter how you slice it one tomato is a sad state.

the second week into our new home, i began to plot out and come up with a garden design for our new space. after two years of success in chicago, i was not willing to let another one tomato summer occur (holding my breath a little as i type that). i did a lot of internet searches, book reading etc. and came up with a new plan. what i landed on was totally new to me (in spite of the fact that my friend used this same method in munster, in... i swear when she told me about it i had NO IDEA what she was talking about. i just smiled, nodded and coveted her beautiful garden. true story.).

so what did i land on, you ask? it is the square foot garden method. it involves a super special soil mix, a raised square foot planter box, a special square foot grid and some seeds. sounds simple, right?

it is! it is so simple and i am in garden love! i set my hubby to building a while back and he made me a lovely box for my garden. and then it rained. and rained. and rained.

i'm serious. i think it rained for the entire month of february and most of march. somewhere in the middle of march we had a little dry spell and so into the soil went my seeds. i whispered sweet garden dreams into their ears as i planted them because I WILL NOT, i repeat, WILL NOT have another one tomato summer.

and apparently, the seeds listened to my stern plea. just one week later, little sprouts started bursting forth from their darkness into the sunlight.

and now, a few weeks later... voila! my seeds they are a'growin! i have such hope that in just a few short weeks i will be harvesting all sorts of green goodness.

and for good measure, i canceled my veggie box that i have loved so much for the past year. i mean, who needs it? i have such high hopes that i can deliver my own box of goodness right here through my brand new, ever so healthy, square foot garden.

and then there's this...

2011-04-05T08:41:00.000-07:00

bepo and other cute things

2011-04-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

in the event that you want to catch up with the smallest suburban momma munchkins...

here's a little chat we recently had. i love watching p watch d.

fresh & easy: the suburban momma review

2011-03-24T21:29:00.001-07:00

a new little market opened up a few towns north of us. i met a gal this weekend who described herself as a "food snob" and said she really liked it. so, today, since it was raining cats and dogs for the millionth day in row and a certain momma was going stir crazy... we headed up to above mentioned new store for a little activity.

the store is called fresh and easy (it'll be sweeping the country in no time flat so don't worry your pretty little head). in the words of e, it is a cross between trader joe's and whole paycheck (with a little safeway mixed in... that's wegmans for you east coasters). anywho, it was divine. it is small like both trader and whole but has a good blend of yummy eats. i'll take you on the verbal walk through.

when you walk in you are met by a small floral department. it is small in size but has pretty reasonable prices and lower end (but stunning flowers). i think they had some daffies in a dozen bundle for a buck ninety nine. then you get to produce land- it is very much like the trader (packaged, not loose) but they have a 24 hour farm to store policy. essentially, everything they sell hits the shelves on a rapid time table. the items we purchased from the produce section also came dated (they stand by that 24 hour thing by putting it into print). i am a fan of transparency, so this works for me. they also indicate the city where the produce was grown and have a commitment to local. that means that they get what you need from the closest supplier who follows their farming criteria. we bought some nectarines in a 4 pack. all 4 were bruise free upon arrival home and two of them sat in the fridge for over a week without spoiling.

next was a ready made section. they had all sorts of boxed meals that were marked "no preservatives, no additives, no growth hormones etc. we tried out some soup (broccoli cheddar = delish), kiddo spaghetti and meatballs (two thumbs up from e and d) and some breaded chicken with mashed taters (with hidden peas and corn mixed in)... 1 1/2 thumbs according to my girls. i think they didn't like the breading, but upon interior inspection it looked like quality white meat rather than some of the pressed stuff you find on the interiors of those nasty nuggets.

then you have a meat/cheese/dairy aisle. i found things like flap meat (which was wonderful with a little homemade chimichurri sauce), chicken thighs for under $2 bucks a pound, ribs, all sorts of fresh looking fish etc. as for the cheese/dairy side... i didn't get a great inspection in as there was some kiddo melt-down issues, but it didn't look like a ton of selection but did appear to have some great prices. we opted for some yogurt squeeze tubes (d is obsessed with those) and they were about 60 cents less than safeway. not bad.

you then have a bunch of aisles of dry goods and canned goods. great prices on things like garbanzo beans, pearled barley, rice, olive oil (all sorts of organic selection by country- we went with italian extra virgin but they also had spanish and a variety of press styles). i was a fan. to further my excitement, they also sell the usual suspects that are the most popular from the traditional local grocery in your hood- they have cheerios, kids gummies, rice krispy treats etc. you know, the things that just can't be imitated without loosing the exact thing that makes you want them in the first place. i respect this. if i want cheerios, i want the real thing (or at least p does... she doesn't accept substitutes). this makes shopping easier. you don't have to add in an extra trip for those hard to imitate items.

there is a small bakery selection and then a big frozen section. we tried some shrimp skewer appetizers, two pizzas and some fruit for smoothies. all great prices. all great flavor.

lastly, smack dab in the middle of the store was a large wine section. with the three in tow i didn't feel super comfy spending a ton of time surrounded by glass bottles, but i did do a quick tour and grabbed a bottle of $5.99 pinot noir. i felt like pinot would be a good test of the cheaper stuff. if a $5.99 bottle was any good then it spoke well about their selection (or else i just got lucky). above mentioned bottle was actually just fine- drinkable, some good fruit notes and affordable.

then we got to the checkout. all of the lanes are self-checkout, self-bag. it was a bit irritating with such a large load and so many pint sized helpers, but the staff was right there with assistance to speed this momma up and offer some help. overall, this part was a downer for me. while i like self-checkout a lot, not everybody was designed for its use. i can see this being a problem down the line for this new find, but i think the good in this place far outweighs this little hiccup at the end.

oh, and that picture of those cupcakes? who could resist. i dragged the girls out in a rainstorm, daddy was at a work function, and momma needed a little bribery to get them back home. they were wonderful!

if this post piqued your interest and you're a local, have no fear. a p-town opening is just around the corner! i can't wait.

a future blogger?

2011-03-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

today i was going through some papers and found something e had been working on a few months back. i had tucked it away to analyze later.

well worth the wait.

tristar

far far away i see a tart shaped like a heart.
oh so yummy to eat.
my heart still beats.
who will i see next?
to give the tart to.

i have not changed any spelling or punctuation (except caps 'cause i reject them on this blog... you know, because i'm the mom and i say so... or something like that). anywho. it is her first poem. i have no idea what inspired this little piece of love on a page, but i just thought i'd share.

and now i must go... and squeeze my little girlie and give her some kisses on the head that she will not understand, hug her again and then look at her with disbelief as i wonder how my baby is even old enough to say "mama" let alone write poetry.

tiger momma

2011-03-10T16:44:00.000-08:00

recently i have been hearing a lot of scoop on the homework situation for kids today. the debates can get pretty heated and the opinions range from a preference for zero homework all they way on up to tiger mom style homework (just google it if you are saying, "huh?").

if you want to know where i stand...

well, i'll just let the pictures speak for themselves.

just kidding. calm down. i don't really think wee ones should be doing homework.

but i did walk into the kitchen the other day to find my littlest intellectual tackling a bit on her own. it was too cute not to capture. she didn't even look at me as i snapped away. now that's what i call focus. watch out tiger mom! suburban momma is hot on your tail.

joking, joking, no worries...

a delightful detour

2011-03-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

i pass by this hill of daffodils at least once a week. each and every time i drive by it, it takes my breath away. i don't know what it is but this carpet of yellow is such a visual treat for me. not wanting to miss capturing this, i took the babies there today to delight in the daffies, camera on my shoulder.

it was a sweet start to our day. another family had a similar idea and brought their newborn and toddler for a birth announcement photo shoot. i wish i could see the finished product as i can only imagine how precious those pictures will be. we had to share our daffodils hill, but that didn't keep us from having a good time.

these two little monkeys are a handful- especially together, but the little bond that i had hoped would form between them is starting to take root. i love the moments when they are loving and thoughtful to one another. it melts this momma's heart.

buser bed and breakfast now taking reservations

2011-03-06T20:46:00.001-08:00

a lot of people from afar have been asking what our new home looks like. for privacy reasons, i won't be posting a picture of the front, but will be posting some pictures of the projects that we have been working on.

when we bought the house, each room was painted cream. i get it. it shows better for everything to look somewhat clean, but it was a little bland for my taste. room by room we are embracing color. currently, we have no baseboards, closet doors, or door frames. while this drives me a little bit nutty, it makes painting a much more snappy job.

here is a little example of what we've been working on:

the office of the former owners

has been transformed into a guest room.

if you look closely, you'll notice that the hardwoods have been sanded and stained. i had always wanted darker floors but our former home had just had refinished floors. it didn't make much sense to re-do what had just been done. so we left it. but this new pad was in desperate need of some sanding. it was a perfect time to switch things up a bit and go for a tad darker stain. momma likey!

and if you are wondering why the first snaps that i am sharing after a two and a half month blogging sabbatical are of the guest room... well, that is simple friends. i wanted to invite anyone and everyone to buser bed and breakfast. we are officially open for business. oh, and the inspiration for this little room... the lemon tree, of course.

please call for a reservation.

when life hands you lemons

2011-03-06T10:23:00.000-08:00

or in our case a lemon tree and a mandarin tree, well of course, you must pick the lemons and mandarins.

and make some lemonade...

"it is rather tasty", says my eldest taste tester.

but in her opinion, the oj is a little tart. either way, we are making about a batch of each a week (thinking i might swing for the electronic juicer in the new future). yes, life handing you an abundance of lemons will land you in the garden of lemonade eden...

but as we have learned, it will also lead to some other less predictable things... like the lemon stick sculpture that i spied from my new kitchen window a few weeks back.

or it might lead to a cozy lemon bonfire... and you know a bonfire is always better when snuggled together.

and i have also witnessed that it makes for a great centerpiece at the kiddie play table.

procrastination leads to a super fun excursion

2011-01-24T12:32:00.001-08:00

moving stinks. there. i'm just going to come out and say it. in spite of the wonderful nature of where you end up, you have to go through a lot of yuck to get there. sure, i suppose that there might be some peeps out there that love a good move. but as for me, 4 times in 6 years is more moves than i am down with. don't get me wrong. each one of those moves have been pivotal in our lives. i'm just saying that i am less and less of a fan with each and every move under my belt. i long for the day when i packed all my belongings into my little sunbird and moved to atlanta- no truck, no movers, just a simple manageable move.

so when some friends suggested a weekend trip to tahoe the week before our move, well, i jumped at it. a chance to procrastinate packing? a relaxing trip to the mountains? playing board games and sipping some coffee over a good conversation? me! me! i'm in. the buser bus is on board with that!

and that is just what we did. we drove the few hours to lake tahoe. we drove in on a friday night and it was pitch dark when we arrived. imagine our surprise when we awoke to this:

seriously, the view from the house was shocking. i had no expectation for what it might look like, but this took my breath away. tohoe is amazing.

two little girls spent the bulk of our time there creating some sort of majestic fort in the yard.

one little girl rekindled her memories of ice skating with her daddy.

and another little girl got all dressed up to play and then...

decided that she didn't like it one bit. i'm being serious. popsie doodle is a true california girl. she threw a temper tantrum each and every time that she was set down in the snow. she was determined not to like it. and so she didn't. (if only she knew what her little life in the great state of illinois could have looked like!)

a certain momma enjoyed the flying saucer sled with a certain daughter who is always up for excitement and thrills.

another little muffin might have tried to eat her weight in snow.

and this little tot was delighted to be toted around on her sled.

we were taught about geo caching... which will be discussed more in a future post.

it was a good time, indeed. and don't worry, those boxes were still there waiting to be packed upon our return. they didn't mind the wait at all. and eventually, they did get packed but that is far less fun to talk about than the adventure of tahoe.

fun in the midst of insanity

2011-01-13T08:16:00.000-08:00

just in case you were missing us

i thought i'd pop in and let you know we are alive and well. moving... at a snails pace... this weekend... pretty sure this will go down as the most disorganized move in t's history... but that's ok. see you soon!

once, twice, three times a laney

2010-12-29T11:49:00.000-08:00

my d turned 3 this week. when asked about her birthday in the weeks leading up to it she was emphatic about two things.

"i want a bike party!" (leaving her mother very confused about what such a party looks like)

and

"i want a rainbow cake."

we decided that with 50 degree temps, traveling friends and a rainy season upon us, we would throw the party in june for her half birthday (a much more fitting time for a bike party and thus allowing her momma some time to come up with a better idea of what this might entail. truth be told i love planning a party, so i've come up with a bunch of the details are already. but the weather, that was out of my control.)

but for the now, i was determined to figure out this rainbow cake thing.

after a bit of time on the net and digging deep into the memory banks to recall an idea i read about more than a year ago.... voila! a rainbow cake for my colorful little girlie.

my d was a little bit sick on her big day, but she did her best to enjoy the family festivities. she was tickled when we cut into her white cake with a skittles rainbow on top to discover a true rainbow inside.

and with watery eyes, a runny nose, and some coughs... my d determined to choose the sunny side of life. she was delightful- dancing around the room with her new apron (to help her momma make the rainbow cakes of the future, or course), practicing splits with her new ballet barbie, setting up pet shops and vowing to share all of her new toys with her older sister. it was a sight to see.

and to my d-

while i love watching you grow, i secretly admit that i will miss some things from your toddler hood. as your pronunciations become more clear, i often silently mourn the last time i will hear your little voice push out words like "beckbest" and "slumpy club". when you put your shoes on the wrong feet day after day (intentionally) i smile to myself because it is such a "d" thing to do and it brings you great joy. but lately, you've been wanting to get it right. sigh. the end of an era.

year two has been marked by chatter. your little head starts going the minute it lifts from the pillow and doesn't stop until we've said our darth vader version of "now i lay me". it leaves me tired and feeling a lot like i can't even squeeze a thought of my own into my head, but is beautiful none-the-less. it shows that you care about the world and your questions emphasize the giant sized thoughts that are going on in your mind. you are processing it all and leave nothing left unasked. you ask me when if i am breaking or pushing the gas pedal, where rain comes from and why clouds are in the sky. you aks about palm trees and wires running alongside of the road up in the sky. you ask about song lyrics and are very interesting in the meanings of words. you love wrapping your mind around them and then pushing them back into conversations later on. my favorite "d" phrase of the year is when you declared something to be "outrageous". i smile to myself when i think of it and never want to forget these moments. while your non-stop questioning tires me out, i try to imagine the teenage years and say silent prayers that you'll never stop talking to your dear ole' momma and sharing your thoughts and asking your questions.

and speaking of darth vader prayers, you have melted my heart this past year. as your momma struggled with how much to share with you about auntie stacy and her cancer experience, you have embraced each and every moment. because of your open heart, we've shared a great deal with you. each and every night, i find myself pushing back tears as you openly pray for her healing, for her strength, for her head not to be cold and for her kids to be absent of fear. you pray for uncle barclay and for grandy, that they would be strong and good helpers. i wonder how this will define you and if i could see into the future, i imagine that it has helped elevate your compassion. it has always been in you, but this has just taken it to the next level. for you my dear, i pray that you never loose the gift of caring and seeing other's needs. that is a special gift and i believe it will be a guiding force in your life, sweet girl.

i could go on and on about my d, but for now, i'll wrap it up. happy birthday, laney-lou. your momma and daddy are so in love with YOU.

a shell and a penny

2010-12-23T11:55:00.000-08:00

grab a cup of coffee, curl up and get cozy because this one is going to be a long one.

it starts with a story that leads to another story that ends with a final story. it's that long.

the first part:

from the first day of my life to the present day, my mom has remained constant in one of her daily activities. she wakes early and spends time in The Word. after she does this, she goes for a walk. picture this. my mom walks with a cane and has since my birth. because of this, her shoulders hunch over a bit and her gaze is directed at the ground. she has to look down with each step that she takes, planting her cane carefully on the ground in a stable spot. as she walks each morning, she prays. my mom is prayerful about everything. everything! her morning walk is like a walk with a close friend. she gives her needs to the Lord and He meets with her each day during this time. i know this because of a cloth bound book that she has tucked into the side pocket of her desk. the book is filled with prayers that she has given over to God and then at the top of each page there is a penny taped down. these pennies are incredibly special to her. it is sort of her little love language with her Father. you see, as she has prayed over the years, looking down as she walks, she has found pennies along the way. to her, these pennies mark the moments when she has seen the hand of God in her life. there is a penny that marks the moving from new york to virginia. there is a penny that marks her prayers for my sister during a time when my sister lived with my dad. there is a penny that shows God's presence in the marital choices for her daughters. pennies for financial needs, pennies for emotional needs, pennies for missionaries in foreign countries... lots and lots of pennies. it is a beautiful illustration of how God knows us intimately and speaks to each of us in ways that are specific to our needs. my Father in heaven knew that my mom would be looking down and so somehow over the years He spoke into her heart and showed her that He values their time together each morning and that He is with her.

my sister highlighted this years ago and i am reminded of it frequently. when i see pennies on the ground i think of my mom. they aren't my pennies as this is not how God speaks to me, but they remind me that God knows me and that just as He met my mom in their time together, He is faithful and meets me in my own time with Him. i smile and find great comfort when i see a penny on the ground.

the second part:

this past spring my family took a trip to florida. last year my dad and scott's dad both bought homes in florida. we went to visit both of them (one on the atlantic side and the other on the gulf). the trip didn't go exactly how i had anticipated. while it was filled with some beautiful moments, this momma made some fatal mistakes in my planning. i had hoped that d could handle a big girl bed and that p would fall into a sleep rhythm that was compatible with the new time zone. neither of those things happened. and so the tone of the trip was set by sleeplessness. if you combine two very tired parents and three sleepless children, well, the sum is not pretty.

on the day that we were to travel home, i was spent. my hope for a restful and relaxing trip had not come into fruition. my desire to bask in the sun for just a few short hours in a lounge chair never happened. instead, i had circles under my eyes and was longing for a pair of ruby red slippers. on our last day there, i stood on the beach and tried to savor a moment with my girls. d was frolicking in the waves, p was eating sand and e was collecting shells. in spite of my tired, i took in the beauty of this scene. as i stood there, feeling very much alone, e handed me a shell. instead of placing it into her bucket like she had all the rest, she placed this one into my hand.

"mommy, isn't this one pretty?"

i looked down at what she had handed me. it was a piece of a shell with a small swirl of beige. there were no ridges on this shell, instead, this one had been worn down by the waves. i pictured it being beaten down over and over as it rolled back and forth with the tide. years of this caused the shell to become smooth.

i told e that this was such a special shell. she asked me to put it into the pocket of my rolled up pants. i obliged.

a few moments later, i looked down and there glistening in the sun was something unusual. it was a penny. the head of president lincoln had bubbled a bit and the entire surface of the coin was covered in tiny bits of sand. i smiled and thought of my mom. then i placed it into my pocket alongside the shell. as i continued to watch my girls play, my hands kept fingering these two objects. one smooth, the other rough.

as i tried to imagine what the rest of our day looked like... packing the bags back up, driving to the airport and then settling in for a long flight, i turned to prayer. as i prayed, i admit, i did some whining. i remember asking God, very much like a child, why does it have to be so hard. can't anything be easy, God? i remember thinking about going "home" to this rental house in california so very far away from everything that i had ever known. was that my "home" now? was i going to be a vagabond forever? would it feel like "home"? why was it all so unsettling? would i ever feel rested?

and just as i let that out, i fingered the coin and the shell again. in that moment my head swirled with thoughts that could only come from God.

those thoughts went something like this: tasha, that penny is a reminder. i am with you. i have been your whole life. feel those grits of sand and that swollen head of lincoln? that's evidence of that. for 34 years i have been with you in the storms of life. in the disappointments, in the challenges, in the celebrations and in the joy. even when it would seem impossible that i could stand by you- i stick to you and adhere myself to you. when you chose me to be your Lord, i said i would do that. those grits of sand stuck to a penny are evidence of that. and that shell? that shows you how in the hard i am doing a work in you. i am polishing you, smoothing out your rough edges, making you more like my image with each day. each crash in the waves is marked by these two things: i am with you and it is for a purpose.

tears sprang into my eyes and while i felt like i was certainly going to have to go through many more waves to be polished, smooth, Christ-like; i praised Him for being there. i celebrated in knowing that my Father could put a shell and a penny into my pocket and direct my eyes towards Him. and suddenly, in a moment where i had felt very alone, i knew that i was being carried.

the final part:

i came home from florida and put that penny and that shell on my dresser. i had anticipated telling that story on my blog as soon as i could get home and take a picture of them. but somehow a few days passed and it just didn't happen. a few months later, i got around to taking a picture of them. i uploaded it and then went on to write about it. but something just didn't feel right. i kept feeling like the story wasn't ready to be told. maybe it wasn't finished?

eventually i moved them to a spot next to my laptop. they sat there for months. i looked at them from time to time, but it was as if the moment was lost. it was as if i just couldn't feel the essence of the experience anymore. maybe it wasn't worth retelling.

and then last week, i picked them up. i was cleaning up my kitchen for a party and wanted to move them to a safer spot. it just so happened that as i was moving them an email came in on my laptop from my realtor. the email contained some information about our closing, walk through etc. on the home that we were about to purchase. with the penny and the shell in my hand, i read the email.

and then i paused, fingering the objects once again.

it was another beautiful moment. you see, it was if God was showing me... tasha, remember what i spoke into your heart? do you remember the waves and my presence? i knew then that i would walk this path with you. i knew that you needed to be a vagabond in california to feel the full appreciation for what i am blessing you with. sure, you could have just moved from house to house and not had to go through this waiting period. but then, you wouldn't have seen me in the same way. you wouldn't have known that My hand is the hand that guides you and that My plan far better than any other.

i smiled. isn't God so good? He knows each of us so well, and this should come as no surprise as He is the hand that formed us. from the dust (or pebbles of sand) he formed us all and breathed life into us. and for each of us, He has a plan.

and so today, with a penny and a shell in my pocket, i have been handed the keys to my new home. the very home we had stopped looking for, the very home we weren't going to look at, the one that we were terrified to write an offer on... the short sale that got back to us in two weeks, the inspection that went better than we could have imagined... the details all worked out by the same God that knew this all way back when scott and i sat around a fire pit in michigan and said, "should we do this? are we open to moving to california?"

the same God that planted a baby in my belly just weeks before we took our first home buying trip to the east bay, the same God that walked me through the car accident of my mom that almost caused us to say... "no way, we can't do this". He knew. He walked with us. He went before us.

and while on this journey i have certainly rebelled. i have certainly cried out, "i don't want to do this!"... He has peppered that road with friendships, with smiles, with little assurances that He is very much caring for our every need.

today, it is clear, on this earth i am very much a vagabond. but a vagabond with a great travel agent- the agent that plans my stay in each and every spot where we land. today i land in this house and know that it is certain that my time in the waves is not over. but one thing is also for sure- He knows me, loves me and will never forsake me. not even in the waves.

welcome home.

the tale of a wee little piggy

2010-12-20T18:30:00.000-08:00

my baby

is turning into a toddler.

i don't know what it is, but my sitter sent me this picture last friday and i haven't looked at my p-nut the same way since. she just looks so... so, grown. i'm not sure how pig-tails can catapult a child into a new era, but i'm here to say, they do!

sweet p, in your first piggy-tails ever, you are the twinkle in your momma's eye, the song in my heart, the crows feet coming from my eyes and the dimple in my smile. (just kidding there on number 3... well, not really but it is with such joy that i wear those stinkin' facial adornments...)

lest you think i was missing in action...

2010-12-18T19:30:00.000-08:00

nope, not missing! just enjoying the season...

i had such high hopes of rhyming out this post to the tune of the 12 days of christmas. regrettably, my clever thoughts have ceased. currently, i am just happily pooped from all this celebrating.

we've had a very busy, action packed month. i think it is fair to say, we've been engaged in this joyous holiday season.

at the beginning of the month we participated in our first hanukkah celebration. my friend and babysitter, laura, invited our family to celebrate with her family. we lit the candles, enjoyed good food and played a little game of dreidel. i loved this start to our very celebratory month. it was so beautiful to see this young couple starting to create their own "family" traditions. we were blessed by them and delighted to be invited to share in the miracle of the oil with them.

also early in the month, scott and i traveled to sonoma to visit my dear friend stephanie. she and her husband were vacationing here for a few days and included us in their time away from home. we lunched, tasted wine, enjoyed some fabulous scenery and savored our time together.

and then there was some celebrating to kick off opening day of candy cane lane. gathering with friends, taking in the light displays presented by each home owner on this quaint street, enjoying tasty treats and watching the kiddos get caught up in the excitement of the season was great fun.

e, d and i took in a viewing of the nutcracker at the bankhead theater. watching d observe her first live stage performance was entertaining. it was especially fun to see her recognize the music from her own ballet class (where they've been working on their own little performance). her eyes lit up and she yelled for all of the theater to hear, "momma, that's MY song that I dance to!" e, an old pro at stage performances, but new to the ballet was also in awe. she loved how she could follow along in spite of the lack of words.

and then we took in a super fun holiday party with face painters, balloon artists, performing christmas trees, nutcracker characters and a little seat on santa's lap.

a few days later, i was delightfully entertained by d's rendition of the nutcracker. you can only imagine how much this little lady and a certain momma enjoyed this day. initially, i was a little miffed when the teacher suggested that siblings not attend (pushing me into a babysitter scramble) but after 45 minutes of undivided attention directed at my middle daughter, i became unmiffed. she soaked up the attention, while i enjoyed giving it. note to self, this little muffin needs more time with her momma without any distraction. i forget that sometimes. this was a beautiful reminder.

and then there was a cookie exchange with some of my most favorite people in this pleasant town of pleasanton.

and the celebrations ended with a delightful tea at mops (mothers of preschoolers). it has been a good month so far, and thankfully, the festivities aren't over yet.

it's a BIG day

2010-12-15T22:30:00.000-08:00

today is a BIG day! i've been waiting for it and praying for it for years. but not as much as this girl...

readers, meet leslie. i've talked about her before. once when i put a bottle of bubbly into my fridge and once when i took it out to toast with her.

i could go on and on about this woman, but instead of gushing about her, today i am going to gush with her. as i write, she is up in the air headed for ethiopian soil. that's right, my dear sweet friend left today and will fly through the night (making a few stops) to end up in ethiopia tomorrow evening. she is on the journey of a lifetime.

she and her equally fantastic hubby (for real, he was an urban education legend in chicago and now is the principal of a school in iowa) are about to meet their new daughter. baby girl is about to meet her momma and daddy for the first time. i tingle and tear up as i write that. momma and daddy are about to meet their daughter. sniffle, sniffle. can i get a tissue, please?

if you are a praying type, please join me in praying for them. you see, they get to meet her, they get to hold her and then they have to leave her. i almost can't stand it. after they meet sweet baby girl, they go before the judge, possibly meet members from baby girl's family and then they come back home to wait some more. a few weeks after this initial appointment, they will do it all over again to pick her up.

at home in iowa, are their two sweet boys, oliver and eli. they are waiting just as patiently in the care of their grandparents.

i can't do justice to how i feel about all of this, but let me just say that i am ecstatic, anxious, sweaty palmed, teary...

cue a story that i suggested i would share with you a long time ago but never got around to until right now- i am part of an email based prayer group. excuse me, what?

well, you see a few years ago, back when e was a babe i was part of a bible study at my church in chicago. it was an unusual group as our church was filled with lots of young people. in fact, the majority of the 200 or so people that attended the church were singles. eventually, those singles married, and eventually those marrieds had babies. i was the momma to baby 5 or 6 in the whole church. i'm not kidding. anyways, it wasn't your typical church and certainly not the typical bible study. we were all new moms and we were all trying to figure the whole thing out together, with God. at the end of year one, our little group grew from 6 moms to 14 moms. and from there it continued to grow. about the time i moved to the burbs, several of the other moms that i was close with moved to other places as well. a few of them remained in the city. but the common factor was that we missed each other. for about 2 1/2 years we had studied the word together, played together, prayed together, celebrated birthdays, shared the births of subsequent children... basically, we did life together. it was beautiful. and then it all changed. we found ourselves missing each other a great deal.

after a while a few of us came up with a plan. we decided that we needed to find a way to keep up with each other regularly and that we missed knowing that we were being covered in prayer each week. that was the birth of the on-line prayer group. and so now, 3 1/2 years later, we pray together via email. each week we send out a little update and our current praises and prayers. we compile the list, send it out with a typed prayer and then commit to praying for each other throughout the week. it is a gift beyond measure.

leslie is part of that group. and so for me, this isn't just my friend getting to meet her daughter, this is my friend who has intimately invited me into her God story. i've been blessed with the opportunity to see the entire story unfold, week by week, year by year. as leslie rejoices at how far God has brought them from taking those first steps and anxiously awaits the day she gets to lay baby girl's little body into her already linened crib, i get to participate.

and it's funny, because anytime that i wonder about the mystery of prayer, i think of sweet leslie. i think of baby girl. i see how God let me in on that story and how mathew 18:19 plays out...

when two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my father in heaven goes into action. and when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that i'll be there. (the message translation)

because of my participation in this journey, i not only get to rejoice with leslie, but i also get to rejoice with my Father. in addition, i get this confidence in the power of prayer. from what i've seen, i know that prayer isn't always met with the answer we want or the path that we might have chosen, but God is always there. it has also been clear to me that His answer and His path is always better than anything we might imagine.

and so tonight, i ask you if you would join me in the mystery and beauty of prayer. my sweet leslie hates to fly. seriously. i'm also pretty sure that the caretakers at the orphanage might have to break leslie's hands in order to get baby girl back. i can feel her heart break for the family that is giving her this gift of life. i can feel her nerves as she stands before a judge and pledges to care for this child. i can feel her ache as she misses her boys back home. that's a lot of praying, but i'm confident that the God who planted the seed to adopt in leslie and jake's head, the God who walked them down this path, the God that chose this baby girl for these parents and siblings, that God... He's listening and He'll be there.

i'll cry if i want to

2010-12-01T09:57:00.001-08:00

i keep taking video clips of my girls to share with ya'll, but trust me when i say they don't turn out well. the phone rings, the doorbell chimes, the un-videod child interupts... or what have you.

you know, like this:

thanksgiving, 2010

2010-11-30T20:04:00.000-08:00

last year i told you all about how i'm not much of a thanksgiving fan. a year later, i would like to retract that statement. yes, folks, i have become a fan of the big day.

on tuesday i began the adventure and brinned our 19 lb. friend tom. it was a little dicey as i had no idea what i was doing. but teamed up with my friend marcie, we pulled off our rookie thanksgiving. it was wonderful! yup, i'm a convert.

and that was just the beginning of an amazing, full, fantastic, exciting, joyful, weekend. on friday we went to tilden park in berkely to meet up with my chicago friend sarah and her family. lucky for us, sarah's family celebrates a mini-family reunion in the area every year. we had a lovely time and our two girlies (who played together as babes) picked up right where they left off.

i'm not sure what this meeting entailed, but hannah and ellie were leading the charge. max and delaney were eager to participate. it was adorable.

on the way home, i discovered this little sign in the side of a hill. it summed up my emotion!

the next morning, as we headed out on another adventure, we saw this little prize in the sky.

d was a little thirsty, so she caught some raindrops.

and after we experienced all the fun we could handle, we headed to a fish market for some good eats to take home with us... fresh squid for calamari. my hubby, the master deep fryer, made a delectable treat for us all to enjoy.

and one of our babes crashed before we left the parking lot. i think it is fair to say we wore this one out.

and what could evoke these precious smiles?

jiffy pop, of course!

and if all of that wasn't enough, we topped off the weekend with the trimming of the tree.

i think it is fair to say that i have a lot to be thankful for!

an open door

2010-11-29T21:10:00.000-08:00

back in february, i experienced a day that was clearly marked by moments that when strung together had God's hand print written all over them. i could tell you the very long story, but i promise you it would take a tons of time. instead, you'll just have to take my word for it (and thank me for sparing you from a ten page post... i promise this one could be long anyway). basically, two words were being cemented into my heart. vagabond and known. what??? you should also know that both of these messages originated from a conversation with my sister. you should also know that neither of them ended with her. that's important because it was a such a layered, twisted, cool way in which God spoke to me. it wasn't audible but it was clear.

VAGABOND! KNOWN!

let me explain what those two words meant to me- at the time the two biggest cries of my heart were to find a home and to develop friendships. the house thing was driving me bonkers. we were just a few months away from the end of our lease, just a few more months away from the "need to close on a house" date established by scott's company and to complicate matters, i felt very much alone in the world- like nobody knew me. i felt like everywhere i went i was auditioning for the role of friend. it sucked.

anyways, on that day in february, it was clear that God did not want us to buy a house at that time. i didn't know how it was all supposed to shake out (and at times, didn't really listen to what i knew He was telling me) but that was the deal. "tasha, you're going to feel a bit like a vagabond here for a while. that's ok. you're going to be fine. oh, and by the way, i've got all the details covered." i'm putting words to this as God didn't speak this to me, but the peace that those words suggest swept through my core at the time. i can't explain it- but that's just how it happened. i was overwhelmed with this feeling and at the core of the feeling was "vagabond" wrapped in peace.

and smack dab in the middle of God swirling me up in this new housing concept, He sent me another message... tasha, you are KNOWN. i feel like this part of the story actually could benefit from some of the details. a girl i was getting to know, robin, called me out of the blue and left me a message (while i was on the other line opening up to my sister about how lonely i was and she was committing to me to pray for friendships). the message went something like this... "hi tasha... i was just calling to say hello and just tell you how i feel like you're an old friend. i know we just met but i feel like i've known you for years and that we just haven't caught up in a while. i'm looking forward to that chance to sit down with you and catch up."

UMMM, WHAT?

that one probably doesn't need any further explanation. i got the message loud and clear, God. i'm KNOWN.

i should probably insert here that by wanting to be "known" i mean exactly what robin said in the message. i missed that element of history that comes with a long time friend. you don't have to give the background to the background to the background when telling a story. they've been there with you along the way and they KNOW the details. it's sort of a good, bad and ugly situation- i think i gave my best friend in third grade a poster that sums this up. "a friend is a person who knows all about you and still loves you." that's what i mean by KNOWN.

and i guess it should come as no surprise that two things happened in the months to follow. first, try as we might, we could not even find a house to buy (see, i told you i wasn't totally obedient). second, God worked out each and every tiny detail from scott's boss abandoning the initial moving contract to our landlord giving us a very favorable lease arrangement. third, from the months of february to the present, God has surrounded me with community. now i don't mean to sound all "i've got like so many friends and i'm so popular". that's not the deal. but God has given me very specific women who i connect with in beautiful ways. the short version- i feel KNOWN. sure, there's a lot more to know on both sides of each of these friendships. but the valuable part is, that i want to know these women more. and for me, i feel like that's a two way street.

can i get an amen??? for reals! i stop here in this story and just shout out, praise you Father! you are such an amazing conductor! this is my story, so i've done the "amen" several times but just writing it out again brings me right back to that place of awe at such a beautiful God!

now fast way forward to three weeks ago. scott saw a house on mls. i'll skip over the details of all of that, and simply say for the first time we felt like this was right. we paused, we prayed, we reverted back to the way this "move to california" thing fleshed itself out (God opening a door and leading us to walk through... one door at a time. if the next door opened... walk through, pray, trust...)

we did a lot of praying. we wrote an offer. we prayed some more- not to get the house but that God's will would take place and that we'd be ok with the end results. the house is a short sale, so we expected to be waiting for some time as these things with the bank can take a while.

less than two weeks later, the bank accepted our offer! that just doesn't happen with short sales typically. um, that feels like another open door! praise God! and so we walk through the next door (inspection) on this journey towards a home.

on the day we heard about the house my sister sent me a text with the name of an artist and two songs i should check out. i was in the car at the time so didn't get around to listening to the songs until this past weekend. i had no idea what i was about to hear. and i don't believe she knew the power of what she was sending me. i think she just knew they spoke to her and that i'd like them.

snippet from the first song:
yeah, these are old shoes that i've been walking in
i'm wearing weary like it's a second skin
i've been looking for a place to lay my head

all this time like a vagabond
a homeless stranger , i've been wandering
all my life you've been calling me to a home
you know i've been needing, i'm a broken stone
so lay me in the house you're building
yeah, come on

you are a shelter for every misfit soul
we are the four walls and you're the cornerstone
you are, and you're the solid rock that we are built upon

all this time like a vagabond.

wait, did that say VAGABOND? i listened again. oh, sweet Jesus! that is just like you to bring me right back to this spot at this exact moment! reaffirming the message i received, have contemplated, want so much to know that we have a green light... that feels green to me!

i moved on to the next song:
oh and as the exhilaration of autumn's bite
oh, you have brought these tired bones to brilliant life
and as the swallow knows, she knows the sky
this is how it is with you and i
oh, this is how it is with you and i

savior, you have known me as i am
healer, you have known me as i was
as i will be in the morning, in the evening
you have known me, yeah, you know me.

my heart leaped with joy and tears sprang into my eyes. it was one of those beautiful God moments where God of the universe confirms that He is also friend, father, shepherd of our hearts. and in such a brilliant way! you see, in those two songs, i was reminded that being a vagabond isn't such a concern after all. i have a home and Christ is the cornerstone of that dwelling. and i am known- by the only one that matters. but as a gift, God might be blessing me with an earthly home and also as a gift, He's blessed me with beautiful women to journey through this life with. PRAISE GOD!

and so on thursday, we will have an inspection. maybe this is how our "move to california" story ends. maybe not. either way, i rejoice in a Father who has not left me as a vagabond but one who prepares a place for me in heaven. and i celebrate that while i long to have community here on this planet (and He's met that need), He's known me all along.

do you know where your children are?

2010-11-23T09:53:00.000-08:00

apparently, i misplaced one of mine for a wee moment. she may have felt adventurous and it is entirely possible that she climbed her little 'ol self onto a counter. this particular location may have defied the law of gravity. for what went up, could not come down. but when i discovered her, she didn't seem to mind so much. in fact, it appeared that she was having a grand time. i'm not certain, but there was a tiny bit of evidence suggesting that she was acting out the story of goldilocks. you know, with toothbrushes, instead of chairs, porridge and beds.

and thinking about climbing made me think of another recent climbing incident. it's funny how poppy actually wore that outfit just a day or two ago. i usually think of my p-nut as a little e, but suddenly she is showing a lot of d.

spicing up the mommy routine

2010-11-22T17:04:00.000-08:00

there is no school this week and our fam is on the mend from a little visit from a virus. that equates to a home bound momma with three babes claiming to be bored. as a result, today required a little momma innovation. if you're a momma, you know what i'm talking about. it was one of those days that required me to think up new variations of things we do on a regular basis, trying to restore the joy that the activity once had. instead of "boring" art projects, we broke out the "special" bin of stampers and ink pads. we didn't play sorry or candy land, but dug deeper into the game cabinet for pick-up sticks and mix-max (a game i forgot i loved so much). we didn't dance to princess music, opting for Christmas music instead (it was a lovely performance, if i do say so myself).

and by 4:30, i had plum run out of "new" ideas. that is, until i noticed an empty basket that was once filled with toys in the family room. yesterday, those toys were relocated to a new spot in the house, leaving the basket open for opportunity. today, opportunity spoke.

we decided to play "babe in a basket". what's that? oh, i don't know. it's just a little game we made up to pass some time. we cushied it up a wee bit and took turns being... the babe in the basket. it wasn't the most inventive thing i've ever done. it was more like a last straw. but those ideas, those are the ones that get some miles around here.

here's small babe in a basket. she brought her raffie along for the experience.

and as you might have suspected, next came medium babe in a basket. if you look close you can see that she is holding onto soosie in her hand. yup. my near three year old still sucks a soose. guess we need to attend to that matter in the coming weeks. either way, she's delish.

last (or first, depending on your meaning) is large babe in a basket. i love how big she is and miss how little she is all from one little sitting in a basket. she did some fake crying (you know, acting like a babe) which made her sisters giggle over and over.

oh, and what are my kids doing right now? yeah, they are playing "nap" on the pull-out sofa. who knew that they had no idea we had a bed hiding under the cushions? i pulled that out a few minutes ago while uploading these snaps and they have been happily entertaining themselves.

do share! what do you do to spice up your mommy routine when you are confined inside?

belief

2010-11-04T20:45:00.001-07:00

and while i'm on a role- i think i should go just one step further towards the truth. (even in the truth, we always tend to hold something back, right?)

lately, i've been in an even bigger struggle (as if mommy induced "less than" isn't enough!). i have been struggling with God.

the moment that stands out as the beginning of this was two years ago on thanksgiving. as you know, my mom was hit by a car. the same mom that is handicapped from a brain aneurysm. the same mom that raised three girls alone. the same mom that lost both of her parents before her twelfth birthday. it messed with my head. i found myself saying, "really, God? couldn't you have protected her from THIS?". i fought through that battle and saw God show up. He revealed Himself through the compassion of nurses, the wisdom of doctors, the love of friends. He even showed up through pat the pilot. and i tucked that morsel of doubt in my pocket and moved on, clinging to a God that i know is real. clinging to a God who is who He said He was. i've seen it with my own eyes.

and then came the selling of our house and pregnancy and a move.... i almost don't even want to talk about it any more. it disturbed me. i kept asking, "God, what's the point in all of this? are you here? any chance you want to jump in and lighten the load?" and then He did. so i tucked my ugly thoughts and feelings right into that little old pocket and moved forward. i clung to His goodness and how He showed up. i even told you about it a few months later.

a few days after my mom was hit by a car, my sister's husband announced he wasn't happy in their marriage. what? you've been married for twenty years and you picked now to share that? after the birth of poppy i spent each and almost every nursing session praying for their marriage. i reached out to my brother-in-law. i begged God to bring him back and restore this commitment of marriage. two years later, they are weeks away from a final divorce decree. it rocks my world. and my heart cries out, "God, do something! show up! fix THIS!"

and then there is cancer. my 38 year old sister, mother of 6, mother who buried her fourth son... "are you kidding me, God????".

and well he's shown up in each and every situation. while He's been present and active, working for good, i would be a liar if i didn't confess that i've been beat down. i've been exhausted. i've been wrecked with doubt.

add that to my momma ADD, and i can promise you it's not a pretty head space. i don't like where my mind goes. it gets ugly.

over the past week, i learned that a dear friend in chicago has been diagnosed with stomach cancer. he's young. he has two kids under the age of 7. his wife is beautiful, compassionate, thoughtful. she's even tempered, patient, and a woman who seeks the kingdom. in fact, she doesn't just seek it, she embodies it. this family doesn't need THIS! and my heart cries out, "oh, God! stop the insanity!"

and that is just the tip of the iceberg. there are people in my life who aren't as open (therefore i won't share their stories) but they are dealing with job loss, foreclosure, sickness, loss, loss, loss...

well, it could feasibly turn a girl of great belief into a girl of great doubt. and yet it doesn't. it reminds me of mark 9. now i'm not a religious scholar, but it speaks to me in its most simplest form.

basically, jesus goes up on a mountain with peter, james and john. before their very eyes, he gets "transfigured"???? transfigured means to become the true nature of the son of God. basically, three dudes saw Him for who He really was. doubt gets washed away. instead of their pal, jesus, they saw Him as King. picture that for a minute. they are his followers. they think he's a great teacher- so much so that they drop everything and join his mission. but they didn't really KNOW. suddenly, they are up on a mountain and it is revealed to them. now, THEY KNOW. and then they get caught up in this little banter about elijah.

verse 12 says this: Jesus replied, "to be sure elijah does come first, and restores all things. why then is it written that the Son of Man must suffer much and be rejected? but i tell you, elijah has come, and they have done to him everything that they wished, just as it is written about him.

He lays it out for them. saying, your timeline is right. you just missed elijah. and now, it's time for me.

from this huge, stunning moment in the lives of three of the disciples, they go to meet the rest. they find them in a huge crowd. the remaining disciples are in the middle of a scene, so to speak. people are up in arms because they are trying to heal this boy but cannot. (annoying right? they've been wandering around with Jesus witnessing healing after healing and then suddenly, they look like fools. they can't heal this dudes kid. and the kid is sick. they want to heal the boy.)

Jesus is irritated. why? because it reveals their disbelief.

He goes to the boy. He talks to the dad...

the boy's dad: but if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.

Jesus: if you can? everything is possible for one who believes.

the boy's dad: i do believe! help me to overcome my unbelief!

that's the part that strikes me. you see, here is God. He's just totally revealed himself to three of the disciples. the full monty, folks. He shows them the whole enchilada. and then He comes down from the mountain and sees the rest of the disciples struggling with their inability to fully believe. insert this dad. a dad who longs for his son to be restored- and in his innocence, in his weakest most pure moment, he cries out for something huge.

help me to overcome my unbelief!

that single sentence speaks volumes to my weary, disheartened soul. God knew i would struggle with THIS! He knew that at times, life would be "too much" and that i would have doubt creeping in, seeping in, clouding over my belief. and He knew, that i could cry out- help me overcome my unbelief!

and He knew that He'd be there, right there in my moments or seasons of unbelief. in spite of the fact that He's shown himself to me over and over and over again (like He'd just shown himself to three of the disciples). it speaks volumes about the patience of the God i love.

the story continues. Jesus heals the boy. we don't know what happens to the boy. we don't know what happens to the dad. but what we do know is that behind closed doors the disciples try to get to the bottom of it with Jesus. "hey, Jesus? what's the deal? why couldn't WE heal him? why couldn't we drive out those demons"

Jesus: this kind can only come out by prayer.

can you picture it? it's my life. i think i know the way. i think i've got the formula. i think i REALLY see who He is. but in reality, i don't really get it. not REALLY. and i get frustrated. i am filled with a fear that i will never reach full sanctification. i begin to doubt.

and then God sweeps in- tasha, you KNOW. I have revealed myself to you before. you KNOW me. and I KNOW you. I know you will have unbelief. and I am there in that, too. seek Me. read My word. PRAY!

and when i embrace that? oh, man! i am right there, back at His feet. and do you know what happens? it is usually in this moment that i see Him, full in His glory, at work- even in the most difficult of moments.

my doubt is transformed over and over again, into belief.

momma induced add

2010-11-04T20:08:00.000-07:00

i go through these phases where i don't want to write. i don't mean to suggest that i have nothing to write about (really, people, i'm pretty certain i will never run out of words. i think my hubs might wish that i would when he blows out his birthday candles each year but it will never happen. sigh.) it's just that i have mommy induced add. i start hundreds of posts in my head, sometimes even get half way through writing a post, and by the time i get back to it. poof! i can't even catch the spirit of what i was writing about. my head has moved on.

as a normal (you know, before kids) gal, i tended to be a pretty good planner. i was organized. thoughtful. i paid attention to detail.

insert child number one- i worked part-time (very part-time) for the first two years of e's life. i was an educational consultant/ event planner. i remember days of e playing on the floor while i made business calls from the kitchen table. i was stirring something on the stove, managing a silent wee one, confirming dates/times/payments with the person on the other end of the phone and typing some other document on the laptop. multi-tasking at its best.

by the time d joined the scene, i was a full-time stay-at-home momma living in the burbs. i have a distinct memory of painting furniture while both girls happily played nearby (for those of you with a raised brow- it was non-toxic paint). i also remember planting my entire garden, weeding it, watering it... with the girls playing nicely in the grass.

both of the pictures are nicely painted in my mind. current evidence would indicate that they aren't even close to accurate. but they are the images that linger with me. it's like the edited version of the truth. if i'm honest, someone was probably crying or fighting, or what have you. but in my mind, it was mommy utopia- blissfully enjoying the opportunity to stay home with my girls, while also getting things done. i felt like i was, at the very least, holding it together.

for some reason, these days, that's the exact opposite of how i feel. it seems like at every turn there really is someone crying, someone needing a snack or a diaper change or hitting someone or hurting a sisters feelings... the list goes on and on and on.

i find that on most days my head swirls with all the things that i can't seem to get done. i start to do things, but within moments i'm interrupted and the plan i had goes to the wayside in an attempt to solve the current crisis. and i never get back to the vacuum, laundry, toy bin organizing, email... what have you. and after a while, it starts to mess with your head. if you let it, it starts to rewrite the "you" you used to be and become the "you" that you are. i'm trying not to let it, but there are days that the battle is lost.

i don't have any idea of what all of this means. but i do know what it doesn't mean.

it doesn't mean that i don't have value. it doesn't mean that this is forever. it doesn't mean that the mom on the playlot that looks like she has it all together is better or smarter or more.

it doesn't mean that i am less.

i think that a lot of us mommas (working or stay-at-home) try to play this little game of one-ups-manship. we try to create an image of our utopia (you know, like the one that i'm certain wasn't real but that's the way i remember it in my head). we try to measure up and sometimes, we add a "and then some" to that. i'm guilty of this, more often than i would like to admit.

and if i think about it- i think that is exactly why i like the idea of "community" so much. you see, in my mind, community encompasses those people that you "let in". they don't see a false utopia- they see the real deal. they know that i dropped the "f-bomb" in front of my two year old last week (accidental slip as i tripped over the double doggy pull toy that attacks me from out of nowhere on a daily basis), that i cried at the counter on monday because my friend is going through an enormous struggle that i can't fix, that i get frustrated with the mundane elements of staying at home with my fantastic but ever so challenging three girls. they know that on my best day i still struggle with so many things. and instead of measuring themselves by my worth or image (or lack there of), they come alongside and offer support. they encourage. they sit at the kitchen counter with a pot of coffee (or a bottle of wine) and cheer you on towards your best version of yourself.

moving here in at the beginning of this personal momma crisis has been interesting. i struggle with the fact that it feels like nobody will ever think that i have it together. i struggle with the reality that the days when i was super mom (ha! a girl can pretend, right?) are long gone and the only thing left is a momma that is barely holding on. but it's been interesting. do you know what i've discovered? i've discovered that when you show your real self up front, right off the bat, you find those that are willing to do the same. community shows up. it's real. it's valuable. it's what sustains me. and for that, i am thankful. especially on "those days"- the ones with mommy induced add and all.

let them eat cake (not just a post title but a real place... you should check it out!)

2010-10-17T21:23:00.000-07:00

you may recall this little disaster from p's first birthday. while it was tasty on the tongue, it was not so easy on the eye. it was suggested to me by my mother-in-law's bff that i might consider a cake decorating class at micheal's. not a bad idea!

not willing to accept defeat, i tried again. i made a cake for poppy and our friend gabe a few weeks later. i learned a little from my mistakes, but i had a long way to go.

fast forward to an email from my friend katie. she was perusing the community class schedule from a local community college. she wanted to know if anyone wanted to join her at a holiday cupcake decorating class. yes. YES! i'm ALL in!

and so today, i joined three other friends at let them eat cake in livermore for a three hour cupcake class. (good things come in three, right? right!)

cupcake master sarah (also the proud owner of this uber creative cupcake shop) walked us through cupcakes from start to finish. she taught us how to avoid some of the pitfalls that batter can present, how to make her version of the tastiest butter cream frosting (it was out of this world), and then how to make tons of adorable cupcakes. she was fab! her instructions made sense and were easy to follow, while her creativity was off the charts.

we started our cupcake journey with some spiders. these are chocolate cupcakes with chocolate frosting (e's favorite). and then you added eyes, legs, a mouth... need i say more. here's katie showing off her first success. isn't this spider amazing?

and over the course of three hours we made trees, snowmen, tom turkey, mini ornaments, ghosts, and webs. i went home with enough sugary concoctions to induce a sugar in all three buser babes.

and isn't that cupcake stand quite nice? i won it. that's right. as an added bonus sarah had a little raffle for all of the participants. i'm thinking e's class will love it at their halloween party.

oh, and my taste testers? e, d, and p were happy to play the role.

i think it is fair to say that girlies likey.

3 little pumpkins

2010-10-14T20:58:00.000-07:00

i think that every blogger with kids posts the "trip to the pumpkin patch" i did it last year with these...

and here i am, again, doing it with these: to make this post more interactive, as you view the snaps choose your fave... leave it in the comments if you choose. (i'm super curious because my hubby and i always pick totally different ones for totally different reasons.)

and i totally didn't plan this, but there is no P (e, d, & p). so if you think that the first photo of P sitting in front of her pumpkin pile is your fave, you can can choose P (not trying to sway you, seriously, choose YOUR fave).

unique of the week

2010-10-13T22:32:00.000-07:00

last year wasn't a highlight in e's educational experience. she did a great job and loved learning but it sort of lacked some of the things that tingle my teacher soul. if you recall, i wrote about one them way back when from the preschool days and i still think about that experience years later. i longed for something similar last year and kept hoping it would come but it never really did. not in the same way. not with the same excitement.

don't get me wrong, e thrived in kindergarten. and while her teacher didn't do the things that make my heart sing, she was a good fit for e at the time. but i would be lying if i didn't say that i was praying for a different kind of teacher this year. i hoped my e would get someone that went the distance and poured her heart into her classroom.

at back to school night this year, i had high hopes. the presentation of the curriculum and classroom environment was dead on in its alignment for what i think is "best practice". as a former teacher myself, i have expectations. sometimes my expectations are too high, but this teacher seemed to hit that target. i went home excited and hopeful. i want e to love school, to reach her amazing potential, and to excel in an innovative environment.

this week (and at other times so far this year), i've seen that beginning to evolve. i love it!

each kid gets assigned the role of "unique of the week" at different times throughout the year. this week was e's turn. she came home last week with a blank poster that she was to complete. she was also tasked with filling the estimation jar with an item of her choosing. lastly, she was tasked with choosing 4 things to share with the class that are important/special to her.

filling out the poster was so much fun. over the course of a couple days, e and i went to work. we colored, brainstormed, and completed the above items. on sunday night, she did a run through of her presentation for her dad and i. it was adorable!

on monday, she skipped off to her class with her poster under her arm and her items tucked safely in her backpack. she was so excited.

she made her presentation to the class. then she showed off her webkinz dog, her photograph of her bff from chicago at the american girl cafe, told the story of her trip to niagara falls (sharing her wooden maid of the mist boat), and held up the first chapter book that she read all by herself (meet kit from the american girl series). she delighted in knowing the number of barbie shoes that she had deposited into the estimation jar and loved watching her peers make guesses at the magic number (all the while holding in that secret).

then, her classmates got to ask her questions. they asked her about her favorite games, her favorite fish, favorite bird... you know, typical hot topics in the life of a first grader. while she answered, her teacher created a poster all about ellie. while writing on the big poster paper, she modeled proper sentence writing- capitalization, spelling, punctuation etc.

later this week, all of the kids will create a page about ellie. they will draw a picture using ideas from her posters and then copy three sentences to tell about her. this will be compiled into a book that will return home for e (and her momma) to cherish for years to come.

e will remember this for years to come. her momma will, too.

i think it's going to be a good year.

p-nut

2010-10-13T10:00:00.000-07:00

how did this girl

turn into THIS girl?

nothing to report, just that my little p-nut it getting too big too fast!

my own little angelina

2010-10-12T22:42:00.000-07:00

while e has been off at school, my little d has been having some adventures of her own. she has begun her first independent class- ballet. i wish i could tell you how much i have loved every minute of watching her dance, but the truth is that i've missed lots of minutes. p is trying to get herself onto that dance floor and momma's been playing a lot of defense.

but here are some glimpses of what i've seen:

a pensive

determined

decorated

ballerina.

scriptless

2010-10-10T14:23:00.000-07:00

a while back, my friend leslie blogged about what you can learn about a person from looking into their ice box (and some other exciting news). i was intrigued. so much so, that i took my own photo of my ice box and shared it with you. i was looking at my nightstand this week, and had similar thoughts. what does this little space, the last space i am in each day before retiring to sleep, say about me?

i'll let you come to that conclusion on your own. i'm curious if it is accurate or if it is more of a little snapshot of the "me" that i think i am.

but thinking about all of this made me want to see a whole lot of people's bed side tables. i think it would be interesting. i can just imagine that my friend jen would have a burp cloth laying next to hers and that my friend amy might have some cool graphic designs she's working on. i'm thinking that jodi's would contain some detailed documents about the layout she's working on for her new business and that Camia might have a stack of poetry journals. i'm pretty sure holly has kid's books on hers (she's a family bed sort of momma) and that a few of my friends might have some saltines by their bedside (not naming names here as they might not want their big reveal to be via t's blog post). anyway, as i said, i think it would be interesting.

if you care to share, i'd love to see.

the thing that is fresh on my mind from my own bedside table is the book that i just finished. it's titled scriptless. it takes me back to the summer before i made the big switch from Southerner to midwesterner. scott was doing a summer internship in chicago and every couple of weeks i would make a visit.

during the days he would work and i would wander around this amazing city (it was summer, so that word fits... not sure i would use the same adjective if i had been visiting in the winter). i took in the art museum and the lakefront, michigan avenue and the stores on armitage. but in the evenings, scott would always plan these fabulous date nights.

my favorite date was to second city. second city is where improv comedy was born (i don't really know that, but i'm declaring it as fact). it is where many of the saturday night live greats began. chris farley, tim meadows, tina fay, and adam sandler all did time here and that's just a few of many. it was hysterical! seriously, it is fall off your chair, don't take a drink or you might snort, go to the bathroom before the show begins or you might pee a little... funny!

after our first date there, i was hooked. we went back many times over our 8 years in chicago and each time was just as good (if not better) than the last. we also took in lots of other improv offspring from around the city. we went to the improv olympics, comedy sportz, and a show or two at the annoyance theatre. my husband is a good man- he's less of an improv fan than i am but he likes to indulge me. all of that to say- i love improv!

fast forward to this spring. i met a girl named andrea. there were about 8 people sitting around a table and we were giving the super condensed version of our lives. the girl was funny. she was talking really fast (which she doesn't normally do, but on this night, she did). in between two sentences, i thought she said she was a former cast member from second city las vegas. but then she went on to talk about other elements of her life. i wasn't sure i had heard her correctly, but did i mention she was really funny? it could have been true, but i wasn't i sure.

a few months into our friendship, andrea revealed to me that she was working on a book. i thought that was pretty cool. when we began to discuss the topic- she told me that it was about her time with second city and what that time speaks to her about a relationship with God. it was a "you had me at hello" moment. i had no idea how that book would unfold, but i was certain that i wanted to read it.

i finished the book today. i promise you, i'll be thinking about its contents for weeks and weeks. it's funny. it reveals a great deal about the behind the scenes in the life of improv. it challenged me in the way that i approach my relationship inwardly with God and how that relationship is manifested through my life. you should read it. it does not disappoint.

race day

2010-09-26T21:10:00.000-07:00

on friday night i was driving home from livermore and listening to the radio. as i pulled into my driveway, i was moved to tears by a song. i'll come back to that later.

saturday morning was very exciting. i awoke early, ate the recommended peanut butter toast, enjoyed my allotted cup o' joe, took in a decent amount of electrolyte enhanced water, double and triple checked to be sure i had everything that i needed, and then sat on my front porch a few minutes before keri was to pick me up. i sat there as the dark was turning to day and gave it all over to God. those minutes were precious to me and set the tone for the day.

we arrived at quarry lakes regional park (after a few wrong turns which may have been my fault) but thanks to my former oakland police department driver (seriously, read between the lines here) we made it on time, white knuckles and all.

we made our way to the registration table and picked up our race packets. this was a highlight for both of us. since this was our first race, pinning our numbers on was rather fun. getting our race t-shirt held some excitement.

once we were numbered up, we perused the sponsor tents, stretched a little, made a final potty run and then circled around the stage. they made some sponsor announcements, welcomed everyone and then called all of the cancer survivors to the center of the circle. they surrounded these women with a pink ribbon. the mc then went around the circle where each survivor said their name and the amount of time that they have been a survivor. one by one, each woman publicly proclaimed their survival. some of the women were timid, others proud, and others too emotional to speak- they ran the full range from "survivor for two months" to "survivor for 35 years". it was beautiful. the crowd circling them cheered for each woman and celebrated in their fight with this ugly disease. each woman was then handed a white dove.

and on the count, each survivor released their dove. individuals from all ages and walks of life, unified together by the victory that they could claim in fighting this battle and united by the joy that the word "survivor" brings. the doves took flight.

they flew out of each hand separate and then formed together in the sky. they danced for us for a few minutes- flying together in the air to the left and then circling back to the right. it was beautiful and emotional. wind beneath my wings bellowed out of the speakers. it was difficult to keep dry eyes. i thought about my sister and each of these women. i am eager for the day when she gets to declare "survivor".

and then each participant made their way to the start. there were 10k runners, 5k runners, 10k walkers and 5k walkers- teams that participated together and individuals showing their support for cancer survivors alone. the setting was tranquil. the track for 10k runners was two loops around the quarry. mountains burst up from the earth in the background. the sun was bright and warm. keri and i were ready. we took off from the starting pad faster than usual and slowly found our comfortable pace. keeping with our regular pattern, we slowly began a meaningful conversation. we felt good.

as we rounded the quarry to finish the first half of the race, i started to feel the burn. i laughed as i mentioned to keri that i hoped stacy remembered that time she spit on me when we were kids. i was starting to feel the heat of the day and began to doubt if i could go the distance. and then we crested a tiny hill where scott, e, d, and p were cheering for us. it gave me the motivation that i needed to keep going.

and after we passed, d did a little bit of running herself. every night that i run she asks if she can come. it is sweet. i guess she wanted to get her own taste of the race.

a mile into that loop, we started to feel invigorated. we went at a faster pace than we usually do, and kept trying to slow ourselves down a little bit. but it was difficult. the excitement was pressing in and the finish was getting closer. towards the end we were blowing by some other runners and walkers, with the big balloon arch in sight. running across that finish pad felt amazing. knowing that we had raised a pretty penny (to date $1530 and the donations are still rolling in, praise God) for my sister made me euphoric! for those of you that prayed- thank you! those prayers were felt and sustained us through this run. for those of you that "chipped in"- i don't even have words. keri and i running would have been worth nothing if it had not been for the generous support of so many of you beloved friends. i am in awe at your generosity! thank you from the bottom of my heart. being supported in this way and being able to support my sister in this way brings me to my knees with gratitude.

crossing that finish brought back that song that i heard on friday night. it wasn't the first time i heard it, but i'll think of this race and of the support you've shown each and every time i hear it from this point forward (it's playing as you read)...

...but it's all you need. and Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm and i'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone. it's waiting for you. knocking at your door. in a moment of truth when your heart hits the floor. and your on your knees- and Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm and i'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone. this is the first day of the rest of your life. this is the first day of the rest of your life. 'cause even in the dark you can still see The Light. it's gonna be alright, it's gonna be alright. Love will hold us together, make us a shelter to weather the storm. and i'll be my brother's keeper so the whole world will know that we're not alone.

i thought about my sister. i can't make this cancer thing go away. i'm not sure that i want to because the beauty that i see it bring- through friends that have made her meals, held her hands when she was low, sat next to her in the chemo chair, loved on her with gifts, conversations, cards and helped with house cleaning... well, that? that's beauty. that's being "your brother's keeper"- stepping in and being Love. none of us can stop the journey, but man, watching people make it a little bit easier? wow! that points me towards heaven.

and then we were greeted by these sweet faces who celebrated with us and cheered on our accomplishment. it was wonderful!

scott took a few pictures- on a side note, selecting the best "sweaty post 10k run picture" to put up on the web for the world to see was an interesting moment. here we are in our full stinky glory. vanity is out the window.

oh, and those hats? well that's a cute story. remember that drive home from livermore on friday night? the one where i heard the song? yeah, i was on my home picking up those hats. i wanted to find a way to "bring my sister to the race". i found a place that could make me some cute hats- problem though. their vinyl printing machine was having some problems. they could have just called and said that they couldn't do it. instead, they offered to bejewel them with another machine. problem with that was that the bejewel machine was having some issues too. when i went to pick up the hats, i discovered two young girls doing them by hand. it was a friday night and i felt really bad. it took them over three hours to hand make these adorable caps that say "the betties". as i stood there watching them finish up, i apologized and thanked them profusely. as it turned out, girl one was cheerful as she knew the abbreviated version of why we needed the hats from my phone order. she shared with me that her grandma and aunt were both survivors. she was sweet and encouraged me in the run. girl two looked a little less thrilled with the way she was spending her friday night. we got to talking and i told her about the race and my sister. after a few minutes i noticed white bracelet on her wrist.

me: does that say "i love boobies"?

girl: YES! my family has had its share of exposure to breast cancer, too. i'm glad i learned your story. it makes me happy to know these are for a good cause.

pause.

girl: is your sister's name betty?

and then i told the gals about "the betties"- about how my sister blogged about her weekly fillings and had coined the name in an effort to talk about her implants tastefully. they both almost fell off of their work stools. they asked for post-race pictures and wanted to know the final amount raised. oh, and as i stood there i noticed that hat's done by hand went for the fee of $30/hour... i was guessing i would just have to pay for it. she rang up my total-

girl: $12 please.

me: what???

i tried to make her charge me more. i didn't want to pay $30/hour but for the love of pete, they had been placing gems by hand all night. but the girl insisted. the hats i had ordered over the phone were $6 a piece and that was all she was going to let me pay. (hey God? thank you!)

i'm headed there this week with some pictures.

oh, and keri, girl! i don't know even know what to say! your friendship is a gift, your support in this has been amazing, and if it weren't for you and you're "can do" heart i am certain that i'd still be sitting on my comfy sofa each night. wanna run on monday?

the day before the race

2010-09-24T13:37:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the hers breast cancer race that i am running to raise funds for my sister. i feel good- strong, ready, energized, a little bit nervous and a lot excited.

i've been praying a lot this week about the fundraiser component of the race. i long to stand in complete surrender-

an interjection with a little story:

for christmas last year, i bought my hubby a garmin running watch. it comes complete with a foot pod, heart monitor and watch. the three pieces work together to compile the details of your running life- the heart monitor... well it monitors your heart rate silly, the watch holds your data for each run- it is more technology than i can even understand (time, rate, average heart rate/run... as i said, way more than i even understand, and the foot pod- well that little device is stinkin' amazing. it logs each step. after your run you can plug a little data stick into your computer and it uploads your run information. you can graph it, chart it, again, do way more than i even know.

i "borrowed" this little contraption from my hubby who stopped running a few weeks before christmas (and by borrowed i mean, good luck getting it back babe).

it is fascinating and unbelievably helpful. by getting a grip on my heart rate i have been able to find my "sweet spot". when i run too fast, i tire easily. but when i run at the perfect rate (easily found by looking at my wrist) i can go much longer and still feel energized. that's good stuff, right?

the foot pod is what blows my little mind. when you upload the information into your computer you can sync it with google earth. google earth then maps out your steps. seriously. you can look at a map and see exactly where each foot landed on the pavement. one foot in front of the other- but if you dodge and land a little to the right (say, to avoid some less than pleasant remainders from a four legged friend) it shows that too (the steps, not the remainders). it marks each and every step that i take. amazing.

as i have been using this run after run and uploading my stats every couple days, my head has been spinning. i've been trying to figure it all out. i've been sifting through the data and looking for ways to improve. it's mind boggling.

through this past week, i've also been doing a lot of praying about the fund raising component of all of this (as i said at the beginning). i've been asking God to show me the number that He has in mind for me to raise. i've been daily giving it to Him and asking Him to bring forth people to provide that number (whatever that number is). daily, there have been donations. it has been beautiful to see friends and strangers give so generously. i am in awe of a gracious God.

this week, i started to see a parallel between that foot pod and the God whom i love. He knows each and every step that i am to take. He knows each and every step that my sister will take. He uploaded it to google earth long before we were born. He knows. rest on that for a minute. it's mind blowing. this journey is unfolding before my eyes and before my sister's eyes day by day, but God? He knows all the "stats", all the "data", each step already. He sees her need and He's meeting it. He knows what her bills look like, what her treatment looks like, what her fear might look like, what sort of support she needs, the encouragement that will sustain her... He knows it all. already. He doesn't need it uploaded. it's already there waiting to unfold. it unfolds through you and i- the hands and feet of a Jesus that is living, real and very much full of love for each and every one of us.

i rest in that today. it makes my heart rejoice knowing that in this trial (and every trial that is to come), He knows. praise God! and in the surrender- in the giving it to Him, i can be free of worry, or fear, or doubt. the "is this enough God" is removed. and i can walk forward in faith that He has it covered.

and so this afternoon, as i prepare to run, i am thankful. if you've given this week to my sister, i am humbled by your support. if you feel led to give, please, continue to do so. you can click on the "chip in" box in the top left corner of my blog page.

my race is at 9am tomorrow (pacific time). if you could, pray for me as i run. it is sure to be hot and will be a little different than my normal running conditions. i typically run as the sun sets and the temperatures drop. tomorrow that will be in reverse.

much love and thanks,
tasha

go, girl, go cont'd and a little announcement

2010-09-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

if you are just tuning in, you might want to read out of breath and go, girl, go (installment one) first. if not, you can just read this and catch up later...

so there i was running each week in the hopes of loosing my baby belly and in the process, gaining a valuable friend. after the first week or two, i suggested to my running mate that we might consider doing a 10k- heck, she got me to do 3 1/2 miles on that first run. what's a few more miles? i looked into it and we decided to do the livermore grape stomp in october. basically, you run and then at the end celebrate your accomplishment by tasting the fall crush. it sounded good to me- running and then a little wine. i'm down with that- it's one of the perks of living in this fabulous little known wine region here in the tri-valley. my pal and i agreed this was a good fit.

while i was busy running, my sister was busy getting her cancer treatment underway. she was meeting with various oncologists and comparing their recommendations for treatment, she was meeting with surgeons and learning the ropes for what was in store for "the betties" (as she humorously refers to her new but temporary implants), and she was doing a bit of research on alternative treatments.

when my sister had her 4th son and i had e, she and i simultaneously started looking into more natural and homeopathic ways to medicate. we both took our own organic routes in this area, but there were a lot of intersections. frequently, we compared notes. it seemed natural that this would also be part of her cancer journey.

in the early part of the summer, she met with a doctor that specializes in this field. after meeting with him, he confirmed what she already knew in her heart- she needed the chemo. i think that was good news, in spite of the bad that comes with chemotherapy. the other good news is that this doctor specializes in treatments that boost the immune system that chemo tears down. i almost choked when she told me that the preliminary meeting was $500. i really almost choked when she told me that each of these treatments was about $90 a pop and would take place weekly. we started talking about the other bills that come with cancer for an insured patient- it goes something like this... co-pays for each doctors visit ($35/3 times a week), co-pays for surgery (in the hundreds if not thousands), co-pays for the weekly fillings of the betties, co-pays for the implants, and down the road co-pays for radiation- yikes! if my head wasn't spinning before, it certainly was now. and that got me thinking...

how does the average family pay for treatment- traditional or other? as if the strain of the cancer isn't enough, right? on top of that, you get to add this pile of financial stressors right into the mix.

now, i've said before, my sister is a woman of faith. she believes that God will carry her and provide for her needs. her husband believes the same, so i think it is fair to say that this family doesn't get caught up in the worry of it all.

and right then and there, when we stand firm in our faith, we can usually see more clearly how God provides.

as i was thinking about these things day after day, i was still running. somewhere along the way, another friend of mine planted a little seed- "tasha, you should do a breast cancer run". but she didn't stop there- she found one on-line and sent me the link. this 10k was taking place in another town nearby in september (this coming saturday, to be exact). running for wine is good and fine, but running for my sister when i am so far away? i was over the moon. it was a tangible way that i could support her journey. and with that little seed, and with a lot of prayer, and with more running an idea began to bloom.

i could run the 10k and raise funds for my sister. my original plan was to raise funds for her wig- a mom of 5 is best suited for a natural hair wig that could put a pretty sizable dent into the pocketbook. she was fine with this suggestion- reluctant at first, because she didn't want to put a financial strain on people. but after some time and after some prayer she thought it would be a blessing.

simultaneously, my aunt (not knowing my plan) decided to do some fundraising of her own. she sent out an email to my aunts, cousins, siblings and grandmother. true to how God works, God made these people willing participants in my sister's journey. in fact, i think it is fair to say that they were grateful for a channel that would help support my sister in a real way. and so my fam (and my sister's in-laws) all pitched in to pay for most of my sister's new hairpiece.

and while she is beautiful without it (for real! look at the joy in her eyes!), this need has been met.

at that time, i did some more time praying- was there more that God wanted me to do in spite of the fact that this initial need had been met? and i immediately felt like there was- as i thought of her bills that would soon be coming her way, i knew i had to continue with my plan. again, she and i talked about this. we both saw the value of helping her, and we both felt like maybe there is more. it's not concrete at this point, but we both have hopes of doing this for other women down the road. we both felt like you shouldn't have to go this alone- that becoming part of community that surrounds women walking this path is essential.

and so without further ado- an announcement. on saturday, i am running the hers breast cancer 10k in freemont, ca. if you'd like to support my run and help launch this fundraising campaign, i would cherish that support!

you can do so in one of four ways-

1.) pray for this fundraising effort. pray that God would be glorified. pray that my little old legs can run like the wind. and pray for my sister as she walks this road.

2.) click on the "chip in" link (top left-hand corner of my blog page) and make a donation to "the betties". your donation will help cover the costs of my sister's medical treatments. my hope and prayer is that there will be funds left over to help start the support for the next person that God places in our path with breast cancer (we will be activly looking and praying for this component to fall into place with God's perfect timing).

3.) today (and today only) you can also buy a necklace from sarah on etsy (click those words right there and it will direct you to her etsy site). sarah makes necklaces in an effort to raise funds for tons of different charities. today, her sales with raise funds for my sister. if you choose to help in this way, you can purchase any of her regular items (special orders are not included). in the etsy checkout, indicate that you are purchasing on behalf of my sister. sarah will in turn donate 50% of the sales to my sister.

4.) send people via facebook to this page and encourage them to jump in. if you do so today (monday) they can be a part of options 1-4. if you don't get this today, they can still participate by participating in options 1,2 and 4. the more that know, the more that can join me and my sister on this journey.

and i can't just end there... you know me by now, right?

i was in church this morning. i'll confess, i almost didn't go because i felt like i could use the time writing this very post. but i felt like i needed to be there. God was tugging at my heart and i was certain that there was something i needed to hear. well, the sermon this morning was the exact confirmation that my heart needed. the title was "hello my name is____ and i've tried doing this alone". the very core of the message was that in life, we so often try to be self-sufficient. we try to doing it alone. but if you look at the example laid out by paul, we are called to do this together. alone doesn't work. we need to rely on God and we need to rely on the people in our community to support us, encourage us, and propel us forward. my pastor (and good friend) ended the message with this- we need to have someone's hand to hold (a sponsor, if you will) and then we need to sponsor someone else that comes our way (hold their hand and support their journey just like we received support).

and so today, i ask you to grab hands. run with me, support my sister if you are able and don't be shy about reaching out your own hand when you need support.

much love to you today, and thank you.

go, girl, go!

2010-09-19T08:29:00.000-07:00

last week i told you about the genesis of my running experience. i told you that i have been running ever since that day about 3 times a week- but as is typically the case with my stories, it doesn't end there.

you see, as i began to run my relationship with my running partner started to unfold. our conversations went more deep and we really started to know one another. and while there is still a lot more to learn, i feel like she is an old friend. it's funny, and i didn't know it on the first day of running, but i was going to need that sort of friend that i could go deep with.

parallel with the onset of my running was the diagnosis of my sister. it was discovered that she had breast cancer at the age of 38. it was determined that she was going to need a double mastectomy, chemotherapy, radiation and a whole slew of other things. her life was turned upside down, so to speak.

now it is important for me to remind you of a few things that i have shared over my years of blogging- (if you know these, just disregard. if you don't, then it will help make the picture more clear). my sister is 38. she has six children, one that she surrendered to heaven because of trisomy 18- 5 boys, 1 girl. my sister home schools all 5 of them. my mom lives in my sister's garage (that sounds cruel but i promise it's not- really it is now an in-law suite designed and built specifically for my momma). my sister is also the head of women's ministries at her church, blogs, and carpools three boys to football, attends motocross races with three of her sons, add in ballet for her girlie-girl, guitar lessons for three boys, music classes for the littlest boy, awana, laundry, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, carpooling my mom all over the philadelphia burbs, and did i mention laundry (i can't even imagine what those piles would look like if i was running that whirlpool over there)?... just writing it all out makes my head hurt and makes me long for a nap.

anyway, back to june and a cancer diagnosis and her life being turned whoopsi daisy- if you had the opportunity to watch her, you'd know that she didn't miss a beat. she simply grabbed hands with God and said, "ok, God, we're going to do this? you're going to carry me. i'll follow." now i may be simplifying it a bit, but from my daily conversations with her, i can tell you that is pretty much how it went. she struggles just like the rest of us do, but she has stood firm in her belief that God has this covered. he has a plan. he's going to (and has) given her strength for the journey. he's surrounded her with cheerleaders and supporters. he's pulling him into his arms and she in return is falling into that embrace. it is beautiful to watch, but complex.

it's complex for a whole bunch of reasons- it's hard because she is my sister. as i've told you in the past, we were so not close growing up. but as adults? she's my go-to girl. i look up to her and cherish our relationship. the thought of her having to go through this trial- well, it stinks. watching anyone fight cancer is not fun. watching it happen to someone you know and love- that stinks even more.

i also think that when someone is in the midst of a trial you get an interesting close-up at their heart. in the normal day-to-day of life, you see a glimpse, but in a trial there is some form of transparency and vulnerability that is like no other. watching stacy at this time is revealing what i've always known to be true- it's just magnified for the rest of us at the moment... she's firm in her faith, obedient to her maker, true to her beliefs. she's the real deal.

it's also complex because i know the laundry list of things that are on her plate. i also know that i live on the exact opposite side of the country. there are days when i just want to run out the door before scott and hop on a plane to go be by her side (wouldn't he LOVE that!). but the truth is, i have my own laundry list of things on my plate, three of which (e, d, and p) don't really make the cross-country trip super feasible. another truth is that in the grand scheme of things, her needs are being met and there is little i could do to help her.

back to running-
so week after week, my gal-pal and i would run together and week after week i would share what was on my heart. funny how things work, but my running partner is no stranger to cancer. she has watched several family members fight it, too.

regularly on our runs, i was share these difficult truths with her about my sister. each time it was met with the most gentle responses, encouragement, support, understanding. you see this running momma got it. slowly, i began to believe that it wasn't a coincidence that she invited me to run one day out of the blue. it started to look more and more like a divine intersection. you see, i started to believe that God knew what was down the pike for my sister and He knew how it was going to wreck me at times. He knew that i would need a friend that "checked in" with me regularly. He knew that i couldn't carry this alone. and while i take a lot of of it to Him daily, He saw fit to give me that perfect companion who would walk (or in this case "run") this journey with me.

*please check in tomorrow, for i have a little announcement to make (monday).

lordy, lordy, i love nordy!

2010-09-18T13:56:00.000-07:00

nordy, how do i love thee? let me count the ways.

i have always been a huge fan of the nordstrom and nordstrom rack department store chains. first, there is the team of buyers that get a perfect mix of high quality items with exceptional style and a variety of price points to fit the average shoppers needs. second, there is that amazin' sticker that they put on each and every purchase negating the "hunt for the receipt" if you find yourself in need of a return. seriously, i can't say enough about that nifty sticker and their return policy. ah, if only more stores could get on that train! third, there are the backroom sales like the annual anniversary sale- i love the ease of pre-shopping and then picking up my purchases without the hassle of lines and grabby-gerty shoppers who snatch right out from under you... the cafe, the nursing momma area... i could go on and on and on about my love affair with the great nordy.

and then i discovered this. it catapulted my love affair to a level that even I didn't know existed!

it's the shoe tying class. that's right, folks. you read it right here! nordy offers a shoe tying class for kiddos- free of charge each and every saturday smack dab in their kids shoe department. it even comes with some loot to keep the kiddos motivated, but i'll get to that in a minute.

march yourself to your nearest nordy kiddo shoe department. at the till you'll find a notebook (if it isn't there just ask the nearest nordy expert, who's probably already asked you if you need some help 'cus they are good like that). sign up for a saturday that you and your kiddo have free and then show up on that specific saturday.

the kiddos arrive and in a fun class, learn some catchy rhymes to help them learn how to tie their kicks, or tenny pumps... or whatever you might be callin' them at your house.

it goes like this-

laces everyone- ready, set, tie!

calling all kids. check out these simple clues. when one lace meets the other you can tie your shoes. first, make an x, and hold it on top. put the right lace through the middle and you've got your knot!

think of the bow just like a balloon, hold it at the bottom or it might go zoom!

wrap the other lace around, use your finger like a spool. pull a loop through this hole, you tied the bow- how cool!

they practice and practice and practice, gaining momentum and success as they go. and at the end of the class they get bucket of loot i was talking about... complete with an organic juice box, gummy snacks, a shoe tying card, a lelli kelli lip gloss/eye shadow kit (just what you always wanted!), and a hip digital watch (for reals, we have this exact watch in purple and i paid $22 for it- apparently i got robbed b/c nordy gave it to the shoe tiers for free).

anyway, i told e's friends momma about this and asked if she wanted to sign the girls up together. bonus for me, she did. double bonus for me, she offered to pick up e and take the girls for me. ding, ding, ding! jackpot. my gal pal picked e up this morning- and i tied her shoes for her as she headed out the door. an hour and a half later, e arrived home mostly able to tie her own shoes.

thank you, nordy!

p.s.- if anyone wants to give nordy a heads-up that i'm giving them free publicity on their amazingness right here at diary of a suburban momma, maybe they would like to throw me back a little gift certificate (ahh, wishfull thinking).

salute

2010-09-15T20:14:00.000-07:00

this evening i had the joy

of opening my ice box door and going

to the bottom shelf, where i've been chilling something.

if you recall, a few months ago i placed a bottle of bubbly into my chiller. i did so because it looked the it would soon be time to celebrate leslie and jake getting the call from their ethiopian adoption agency. that call would signify that the baby that God had chosen for them was ready to officially begin the journey home.

on friday, leslie and jake got THAT call. they prayed over this sweet baby all weekend and intentionally sought God's will for their family. i have had the joy all weekend, and for the past two years or so to join hands with them in prayer. as they have walked each step of this journey, i have been blessed with the opportunity to lift their needs heavenward and share in the process.

it has been a beautiful process to be a part of. to see their hearts as they walk forward in their calling to adopt a child into their family has been inspiring. they have handled each and every step of this journey with care, love, compassion- sweet leslie and a team of prayer warriors have been praying for this birth mother and this baby girl for well over two years! seriously- watching leslie's heart unfold for this baby girl has been such a gift.

and so tonight, i raise my glass to leslie and jake, oliver and Elihu and the sweet baby girl who gets the joy that this family imparts to all those that they touch. praise be!

salute!

and while i thought that i would end this post with that, i can't control the tingles that i feel for this baby girl. i fast forward in my mind and think of her life- her momma is an amazing writer, cook, and newly passionate crafter. she is imaginative and reverent, thoughtful and soft spoken. i can only imagine how that translates into their mother/daughter relationship! i picture this sweet girl making jam with her momma and being the assistant as her momma sews her halloween costume. i picture them telling her stories of ethiopia and incorporating the culture of her birth into the tapestry of her life. i picture her toddling behind her brothers, eating tomatoes off of the vine. i picture her taking to the acoustic guitar and singing vocals for the all boys band that her brothers have formed in their living room. and then i picture her wedding. i picture being there and telling her the story of a momma that prayed. a momma that had faith in the seed God planted in her heart. i picture telling her how six mommas in an email based prayer group covered this girl with prayer (that's a story for another day). and then i picture telling her how we loved her before we knew her and how her sweet life and journey to iowa is part of my journey- how praying alongside her family brought me closer to God. praying is such a mysterious thing, but i stand here tonight (sipping some champagne) praising the God that let's us in on the story and molds our hearts in the process.

out of breath

2010-09-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

back in june i was waiting on the playground to pick up e, making small talk with a mom that i was getting to know. she mentioned that she had been running earlier in the day. i mentioned that i was just about to start running to loose my baby pouch (yes, folks a year later i still look about three months preggers). she suggested that we run together. me, ever so naive, thought this was a grand idea. we made plans to run the monday of the following week.

after dinner on monday, i suited up and met her on her front porch. i was a little bit terrified as running with a partner can be a bit challenging- you just don't know if you are a good match until you hit the pavement. and as for me, i've never really run before in my life, so i didn't even know if i was a good match for running period. seriously, ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you that tasha doesn't really run.

i should tell you a little bit about my running partner- things that i should have thought of before committing to this little adventure, but didn't. she is a former police officer for the oakland police department. if you know anything about oakland, you know that it has some pretty high crime rates so it is safe to assume that this girl could run. if you know anything about police officers, you know that they go through some pretty intense physical training. again, things i should have thought of BEFORE this little running party. but i didn't.

we began jogging down her street and headed around the corner. as we ran we started to chat. for the first few blocks it was rather manageable. at that moment, i thought i might ask her how far we were going to go. her reply- "oh, about 3 miles."

i almost started to cry. seriously. i am not a runner. i hadn't done any sort of physical work-outs since before my pregnancy with p and those workouts were light jogs on the treadmill, easy weight lifting, and a few sit-ups. but there i was, running, not sure how to get out of this situation. i was sort of wishing that i could fall and twist my ankle or something. i began to have an internal argument with myself...

"you can do this, t! just put your mind to it!"

"no way! i'm going to die right here on the side of the road and we just started."

"you're going to look like a fool. this girl is cool and she'll think you're the biggest looser if you don't go through with it."

"i don't care! i'm fine with being a looser! i really don't like running and there is NO WAY i can go "about three miles"."

the internal conflict continued and the running continued. in a way, it sort of helped to pass the time. as i fought with myself, we continued to chat. our conversation was light, but very enjoyable. it was nice to connect with this woman, to fell like i could be making a friend while getting some good physical exercise. if i was going to loose this weight, this was by far more enjoyable than hanging out at the gym by myself. i kept running and we kept chatting.

at this point, i looked up and realized that we were about to run over the highway- the bridge that crosses the highway has a small incline. this was getting serious. i put my head down and geared up for the hill. i was talking myself into each and every stride that my short legs were taking. as we got to the top of the overpass i lifted my head.

oh, nelly! after a little down hill, there was a GIGANTIC hill that went straight up. i'm serious. this midwestern girl hasn't encountered a hill of this magnitude in quite some time. if you were in the midwest, this would be like a mountain. for real! they just don't have hills like that there. but there was no turning back. and so i powered through the hill and powered through the rest of the run. as we were approaching her street, she made a comment-

"that was actually 3 and half miles."

and with that, i collapsed onto her porch and had a mini heart attack.

and we've been running a few times a week ever since. apparently, i AM a runner. not a very good one. not an enthusiastic one. but a runner none-the-less. oh, and in the process of running, we've become great friends. i still haven't dropped a single pound from my belly, but in the grand scheme of things, i'm not sure i care.

a drive down the coast

2010-09-07T05:00:00.000-07:00

on sunday morning, i was like...

a kid in a candy store. let me tell you why.

the city of santa cruz is about an hour from our house in the east bay. monterey is about an hour south of santa cruz along the central coast. if you happen to be from these parts, then forgive my geography lesson. but if you hail from another part of the globe, then this little tip might be of importance. as i've said a billion times before, this east coast girl turned mid-westerner was a little geographically challenged when it came to my california knowledge. even after living here for a year, i find myself breaking out the map regularly to get an understanding of how it all fits together.

on sunday morning the fam woke in our hotel in santa cruz, had a little eats, and then headed down the coast to monterey. just a few miles into our trip, my eyes became amazed. on either side of road, for as far as the eye could see, there was row after row of luscious green crops. after a wee bit, i couldn't resist the urge to grab for my camera. i was in city girl amazement.

after a few minutes of the camera clicking away, my hubby made a sweet and generous suggestion.

"do you want me to pull over for a minute?"

"do you mind? yes. yes! not yet. here. perfect!"

and before the car could come to a complete stop, i was hopping out and trucking down into the fields. this is what i saw:

row after perfect row of ripening strawberries. i've lived in new york, virginia, georgia and illinois. on almost every strawberry clam shell that i have ever purchased has been the stamp, "grown in california". i shouldn't have been surprised at these rows of succulent red berries, but for some reason i was. for some reason, i never realized how many berry fields it takes to stock the supermarkets of the u.s. with strawberries. but here i was, seeing just a small glimpse of the never ending fields with my own eyes for the first time. i was berry struck!

after a few quick snaps i hopped back into the car and onward we went. suddenly the fields changed and we kept seeing these leafy, green, tall rows of stalks. what could they be? again, my hubby noticed me in agricultural awe. again, he asked if i wanted to stop. hooray!

now, i've told you before that i have a thing for artichokes, so it shouldn't surprise you that i was in heaven when i stepped into the very fields that grow these buttery globes of deliciousness. they are beautiful and surprising. i had no idea that these gems grew on such tall stalks. i had no clue that there was so much foliage necessary to produce just a few chokes. but there they were, right in front of my eyes for me to take in.

aren't they gorgeous? just look at the morning dew dripping off of the compact flower!

and then back into the car we went. it was a heavenly ride. did i mention that i was like a kid in a candy store? well, i wasn't kidding. i enjoyed this ride, indeed.

a few miles down the road we heard a chopper up in the sky. it was out of control. the helicopter would swoop down from the sky and dust the crops with a cloud and then swoop back up into the sky to circle around and do it again. yep- it was a crop duster fighting the pests that wanted to take a little nibble at those beautiful berries and globes. and do you know what? for the first time in my adult life, i sort of began to understand the farmer who uses pesticides. i'm not saying that i'm buying what they're selling, but with that much on the line, one just might opt to protect what they have labored so hard for.

and today, as i perused the plants at whole foods, i almost fell on the sidewalk right there in front of the store! can you guess what i saw? small starter plants of my beloved chokes! and you can bet your bottom dollar that i put two of those organically grown buggers into my buggy. don't hold your breath- if you recall, i haven't had much success at california gardening. but here's to hoping!

d and i planted them straight away into my pathetic containers from home depot. i'll keep you posted. but even as i write this, my taste buds are dreaming of the tasty globes that could possibly come from my own backyard.

santa cruz

2010-09-06T08:11:00.000-07:00

we went on a mini-vaca this weekend to santa cruz and monterey. it was just what our family needed. scott has been working so hard this summer- we haven't had much time to just play. and so we did. this mid-western mind (formerly east coast girl) sometimes forgets how close we are to the pacific. i also sometimes forget how much my girls love to play in the ocean. this weekend was a beautiful reminder of both.

it was fantastic- a pure delight for this momma to see her three babes and fabulous hubby frolicking in the icy cold water under the warm rays of the sun.

my sweet p was a hoot. she toted buckets and ate sand the entire time.

e played in the waves and made drip castles.

p might have been trying to dig to china, or locate some buried beach treasure, or maybe she was just looking for sea kelp... whatever she was doing, she sure was enjoying it.

and d? well, she was making sand soup, of course. and chasing after her sister who was waiting for the big wave to come in.

did i mention p toted buckets around all day?

and here is my attempt at getting an adorable family photo. not quite what my eye was hoping to see through the lens of my camera, but it works. it sure is evidence that we had a wonderful time!

i wish for just one moment i could climb inside e's mind as she was sitting cross-legged on the beach. i am certain she was thinking of something that i would cherish, but as she gets older she has become a bit more tight lipped with her thoughts. i guess this is part of her growing older. sigh.

and d- well, she tells me each and every thought that enters into her great big mind. sometimes more than once. here, she's telling me about how she can see her "mirror" in the water. she loved this. she was belly down on the sand wave after wave, watching the sand soak up the water and then dry out again. oh, to be an almost three year old again!

we did lots of other fun stuff, too. we played games and rode rides on the boardwalk, watched sea lions frolic in a marina, had a family slumber party which included some board games- making for a very wonderful and memorable weekend.

what did you do to celebrate labor day?

five, six, pick up sticks

2010-09-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

a year ago, i celebrated e's 5th birthday with a trip to american girl in chicago. we went with our dear friends jen and payton- who was also celebrating a the big 5! it was a dreamy day. we ate tea sandwiches and petite fours. we shopped and loved on our little girls who had celebrated each and every birthday together. it was lovely.

another year has passed. my e is now SIX. i realized today that i have shared the birth story of d and p, but not my first born (who was born pre-blogging momma). and so today, i share the story of e.

in true tasha fashion, e's due date came and e's due date went. i was in the middle of teaching summer school and starting the new school year for my KIPPsters. it was hot in my no-air, chicago public school. my feet were so swollen that i had one pair of flip-flops that i could wear. my boss was nice enough to bend the "no open toe shoe rule" and let me keep wearing them (it's the little things right?). with each day i was thankful to have more time to train my replacement teacher, but was also greatly disappointed that i was still not meeting my girl.

labor day weekend arrived and i was at the end of my rope. i was scheduled to be induced on the wednesday following the holiday weekend. on sunday, i had a teeny tiny water leak. i wasn't sure, but i thought this was the day. scott and i called the doctor and headed to triage. in triage, they did an assessment and determined that i was NOT in labor. after two hours of observation, with no contractions, they sent me home. scott and i left the hospital disappointed- we had thought we were finally going to get to hold our new baby. instead, we headed to scott's dad for a holiday cook-out in naperville. it was a nice way to pass the time. scott's dad, jill, lindsay and some other family members took good care of me, while i sat in an armchair not really able to move (for reals- i was that big and swollen).

the next morning- at around 7am, my water broke for real. i took a shower, had a waffle, double checked the bag that had been packed for weeks and made my way to northwestern. we settled into our labor room without much fuss. it was very relaxed, very calm, and very exciting. we listened to my birthing mix, chatted, and waited.

the nurse kept coming in to look at my contractions on the monitor. funny thing- i didn't feel a one. she kept asking me what my pain scale was and each time my answer was zero. she'd kind of give me a funny look and then leave. i thought i had this labor thing (on labor day) in the bag.

at around noon, the doctor showed up and checked me. she realized at this time that while i was "contracting", i wasn't making any progress. she decided to release the rest of my bag of waters and start me on pitocin. that was the end of the "chill" labor.

almost immediately, things went from zero to holy toledo. it was insane. it was out of control. contractions kept coming fast and furious and the pain was intense. i had imagined a labor that was free of meds, and suddenly i was begging for an epidural. at around 2:30, my wish was granted.

the rest of the afternoon went back to chill. the epidural apparently took because i was back to feeling blissful. at around 7, the nurse came in and said things were complete. scott and i were shocked! i was feeling no pain, so the realization that the time had finally come was crazy. yet, there we were, getting ready to push.

i wasn't the best pusher.

there were lots of people yelling at me, and i was tired and frustrated. after three hours of this, my doctor looked at me and said i had one more shot before a c-section.

to say that i was disturbed is an understatement. i had gone into this situation thinking that i was going to do it naturally. there i was, with pitocin, epidural and now one push (which is really a three push sequence) away from a c-section. it was bases loaded in the bottom of the ninth for me.

i will interject at this point with a tiny detail- i am not really sure how i thought that i was going to go the route i had mapped out in my head as we hadn't done any natural birthing prep. note to new moms out there- i highly recommend bradley classes and a douala. those two things made all the difference with the d and p. rookie mistake.

back to e. i was NOT going to push for three hours and then end up with a c-section. sure, it happens for lots of reasons, but i wasn't going to let it happen because i wasn't pushing well. i committed at that moment to get this girlie OUT.

i guess that is all it took. three pushes later, my babe was in my arms.

she was beautiful. i can remember watching her dad (who was sitting next to my bed) hold his baby girl. she was staring up at him with her beautiful wide open eyes, battling a case of hiccups. it was a sweet moment. she had experienced hiccups in my belly so many times during my pregnancy. suddenly, there she was out in the world where i could see her doing what i could only feel for months.

the moment is etched into my mind for so many reasons. we walked through those hospital doors as two married people, and suddenly i was sitting there watching this girl that i had grown- my daughter- stare into the eyes of her daddy. he handed her to me after a while and i just kept snuggling her, kissing her head, realizing that i was a momma. it was amazing and life changing.

that girl has rocked my world for six years. three and a half of those years it was just she and i every day. we had so much fun together! we would go on adventures, play with friends and just explore the world together. she was there when we bought our first condo, when we sold our first condo, when we bought our first house, welcomed d into the world, welcomed p into the world, sold our first house, and moved to california.

it's crazy how things have changed and how now i am a momma of a gymnastics loving, story writing, budding artist, book reading first grader. oh my!

i love you sweet e. you've changed my life dear girl- opened my eyes to the beautiful world of motherhood. it is truly a joy to be your momma.

happy birthday, ellie girl. how did you become six so fast?

it's raining men... i mean pears

2010-09-02T15:50:00.000-07:00

i may not have a garden this year (unless you count my tomato as a garden... ), but i have fruit trees my friends. we knew they were there- but we had no idea that they actually grew yummy, edible fruit.

we harvested a big bowl of nectarines last week. i thought i was going to share with some friends, but before i could make my deliveries, we ate them all up. greedy, i know.

today, i harvested the asian pears. it's crazy, but there are so many up in the tree that i can't reach! going to have to think about that and come up with a solution that doesn't involve a broken leg. but for now, we've got enough to keep this family of five satisfied. i don't know much about the asian pear, but we're game for finding out about this lovely fruit.

well, at least one of my subjects is game.

she thought it was funny that as i climbed the ladder and picked pears, more pears fell from the sky. no joke- it was raining pears. you'd pull one off and then a few minutes later three more would fall. really, it was more like "sacrificed" because as they hit the ground they would smash open. i'm thinking we'll play out front until the tree thins out a bit. it's a bit risky out back for the noggin.

you might want to eat these asian pears- they are yummy. but as for me, i want to eat that girl! what can i say? i'm a momma in love.

nighty night

2010-08-31T17:14:00.000-07:00

a few months ago, i told you about this and then i sort of left you hanging...

or so you thought.

what really happened was this: we had to wait a few weeks so as not to reward the girl's bed hopping habit. and then when i finally decided which bed direction i was going in, i realized that there was a little bit of order and wait involved. wowza- somehow, the summer passed and that brings us to today.

today? what's so special about today, you ask. i'll tell you. today, my little d FINALLY got the above mentioned bed that we ordered a few weeks back. in fact, she got the TWO beds that we ordered several weeks ago. two beds? yes, two beds. we wanted to be prepared when a certain p decides to take the jump. living like the boy scouts over here- be prepared!

or maybe it's more like- fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. which ever one you think is best, we're rockin' it out.

what's that thing towards the top of her door? oh, that.

yeah, that's a sneaky little apparatus they sell at your local baby store- apparently we are the target marketing audience. apparently, we aren't the only family in the nation with an escape artist two year old who isn't swayed by sticker charts, candy, "angry mommy", "sweet mommy", prizes, spankings, stern suggestions, loving appeals, or jedi mind tricks. apparently, some kids need an exterior door locker... and since we made the $9.99 investment, we're thinking about getting our monies worth. we might just leave it on until she leaves for college because if keeping her in her room at age two is this hard, well, i shudder to think what it will look like at 16.

and d, well she thought she was the cat's pajamas! or the man in the moon, or the dog's bark (i made that one up), or the bees knees... well, you get my drift here. she was happy.

don't let the bed bugs bite!

"tox"

2010-08-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

on wednesday night i had a giant sized melt-down. i'm not sure if that is the right word to describe it, but as a mom of three young girls, it's the word that comes to mind.

basically, my sister was to start her first chemo treatment the following day (thursday). scott was at a work function, three babes were tucked into bed and the gravity of my sister's situation hit my heart. i was praying and reading scripture, lifting her up to the only one that i know that holds her cards and knows how this story turns out. as i prayed, i kept thinking about the treatment- she's going to have to get sick in an effort to get better. i hate this for her. and somewhere in my time with God, tears began to fall... and fall... and fall. it's happened a few times since her diagnosis, but wednesday night was by far the worst. as i write that, i don't want to give the wrong impression.

i believe that she is "destined" to walk this path. i believe that she is giving the most amazing testimony to our creator as she does so. seriously, take a minute and check out her head space. she is right where she needs to be, and she is impacting lives as she rests in the hands of the great physician.

after my giant tear-fest, i came to the realization that i know to be true. God loves her, he trusts she will be obedient as she walks this path, and He is using her to impact people. through her trial, she is showing others that God is good (even in the midst of bad) and that faith is beautiful, for it is the true way that we get to feel the love our Father has for us. when we need to trust Him with each moment, He shows Himself to be pure, loving, compassionate, strong. i could go on and on.

on thursday morning, i was on facebook reading through some status updates. as i scrolled down the page, my heart stopped at these images:

i knew right away what they were snaps of- they were of a marker on my high school grounds. the marker was placed after my dear friend jon died tragically in a car accident. this moment is monumental in my life.

jon was my boyfriend of three very short months. our relationship changed my life. he died driving down a road too fast, loosing control of his car. i tempted fate so many times as a newly licensed driver down that same road, going as fast as my mom's car could go trying to figure it all out (not the smartest way to deal with grief, right?). there wasn't an answer to the question that i was asking- the "why him" remained.

but years later, i can look back and see how it changed me- how God uses bad to develop good.

jon was a young man of faith. he believed in God, in salvation, in repentance of sin, in embracing the cross. we talked about it a lot and it was sort of weird for me. while i went to church and believed the bible to be true, i didn't really translate that into my life.

as i marched into my twenties, with my faith pushed beneath the surface, i kept thinking of him. i kept thinking about how i was letting his testimony die by not embracing the cross. eventually, with the help of the Holy Spirit, Christ emerged triumphant in my life.

i can remember the last time i visited his grave vividly. i had driven home from atlanta for thanksgiving. on the 14 hour ride home, i listened to amy grant. not sure why that was in my collection at the time, but into the cd player it went. and as i drove, God became more real to me than He ever had before. during that car ride, my heart broke. not in a bad way, but in a way that allowed me to embrace the cross. in a way that caused my life to do a 180 and turn towards living with Him. i knew that up until that point, i had it all wrong. God was so much more than i had ever allowed Him to be or known Him to be- God was real. He wasn't just words on a page- He was relational. He longed for me to talk to Him, to be transformed by Him.

i arrived in winc- embracing that relationship. a few days later i made a trip to the cemetery, which i had done hundreds of times before. but this trip was different. instead of going to the cemetery and being angry at a God who could take this beautiful human being from earth, i went embracing the beauty that God allowed me to see through his life. i was filled with gratitude by this boy who lived what he believed. and i was grateful to have been caught in the rays of His light that were cast around my world through jon. it was my last trip to the cemetery, eleven years ago.

while there, i also had an epiphany. jon isn't there.

he's in heaven. i'm not sure what that looks like, but i believe that it is beautiful and pure. while he is missed by many on earth, God used his life's trial for good. i could see it, for the first time, in my own life. his life pointed me to the cross.

as i looked at these pictures on thursday, i had another aha moment. on the marker the words "these moments immortal" are inscribed. it's taken from a new model army song. i realized as i read them, that in fact, the moments of jon are immortal- let me explain.

his life will go on and on and on- in heaven. not because he was good, but because he was a confessed sinner who embraced forgiveness. and they go on further- they go on in my life. because of his influence and the impact that his death had on me (as well as many other events in my life), i embraced the cross... i would venture to say that there is more than just me. i would venture to guess that other lives are transformed because of his impact and his compass that pointed up.

it got me thinking about my sister, too. it stinks that she has cancer. it blows that she had to sit in that chemo chair and will continue to do so for weeks to come- hair loss, nausea, bone pain, bills, children watching their mom be sick. the whole lot of it is less than ideal- or is it?

i suddenly realized that nobody watching her will walk away the same. some of those people, will see her compass, pointed up, and change the direction of their lives. it might not happen right away, it might be as their experiences add up and they see that they aren't "immortal" and that they want to be. it might happen as they realize that being "good" is never "good enough" on its own.

and so thursday came- chemo treatment and all, and instead of the "really, God?" that was creeping into my thoughts the night before, i embraced "thank you, God."

thank you for my sister. thank you for her faith. thank you that no matter what happens, she's yours. thank you for the strength you give her through your word daily. thank you for her willingness to embrace this horrible cancer thing and write about her journey. thank you for the cross.

i read these words in the book of timothy this week-

therefore do not be ashamed of the testimony of our Lord, nor of me His prisoner, but share with me in the sufferings for the gospel according to the power of God, who has saved us and called us with a holy calling, not according to our works, but according to His own purpose and grace which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began, but has now been revealed by the appearing of our Saviour Jesus Christ, who has abolished death and brought life and immortality to light through the gospel... (2 timothy 2: 8-10 to be exact)

i'm not sure that's the direction that new model army was going in as they wrote this song, but i'm pretty sure jon would have liked this translation.

*oh, and that pretty babe in the photos? that's my friends bambina. i love the sequence of snaps- uncovering, an innocent one looking so intently at something that doesn't feel innocent at all, and then the clean, full reveal of the marker. not sure why this speaks to me so much, but there's a lot of powerful stuff just in those little photographs. thanks for sharing these a! they really mean a lot to me.

the business of packing lunches

2010-08-28T12:59:00.000-07:00

e beginning first grade also means momma beginning the lunch packing process. i've given a lot of thought to this over the summer. there are a lot of factors to take into consideration, but the one that is the most important to me is the element of waste.

it's easy to go to the grocery story and buy all sorts of "lunch friendly" items that are pre-packaged (like crackers already bagged in snack portions, gummies, lunchables, juce boxes etc.). but the thing that bugs me the most is that while these are easy on the packer, they have negative effects on the planet. while making life easy for one, they make life more difficult for generations to come.

i'm trying to embrace this new task in my sunday through thursday nights, while not leaving a mess for my grandkids to clean up. i looked at hundreds of products out there on the market. there are laptop lunches, lunchbots, easy lunch kits... just to name a few. it seems that everywhere you look these days, new waste free lunch systems are popping up. that's a good thing! i like the direction we are headed in as consumers.

but as is typical for moi, there wasn't a perfect fit. while one looked promising in a few areas, it had a negative for some other factors. i decided to customize and here is what our final system consists of:

we started out with the lunch box that e's aunt merritt gave her last year for her birthday. she used it for snack at kindergarten and i thought that it might be fun to get a new one for first grade. but when i gave it some more thought, i realized that this is not necessary. in fact, it sort of starts a vicious cycle. if we teach our kiddos to take care of things, and the item holds up, then they are in fact contributing to a healthy planet. somehow, if we all start working towards the same goal, we might be able to make reuse "cool" in the cafeteria. but, as is typical, i am getting off track...

the lunchbox came from frecklebox and it is perfect. it is simply an old fashioned tin (lead free) box with a personalized face plate. you can get them in oodles of colors and patterns. for $29, i think this is a great, eco friendly, health friendly (no nasty bpa or phthalates) vessel that has held up and will keep the sandwich from getting squished by the library book (or what-have-you). oh, and i almost forgot to mention that it has a cool magnetic component that allows you to leave little love notes for your babes and words of encouragement to get them through the day.

next, we kept our trusty old sigg water bottle that we've had since e was three. we've added a few more to our collection to be sure we always have clean ones on hand for on-the-go beverage consumption. for lunchbox purposes, we go with a .3L bottle at $17 a pop. like i said, this guy has been in the business of hydrating e for 3 years and counting. it felt steep at the check-out, but in hindsight has been a worthwhile investment. again, it's lacking bpa and phthalates. ours has a little dent in the side from an almost crushing from someones large automobile (won't mention any names here... ahem, moi). aside from that, it's still functioning like a champ- no leaks, no cracks in the lid. good stuff.

to keep with the waste free theme, we're using lunchskins. what are those? well, i'll tell you. they are the most adorable dishwasher safe, reusable sammy and snack bags that this momma could find. we bought one in the sandwich size and 4 in the snack size. i put the food into the bags, velcro them up, and they are good to go. e brings them home, we wash 'em and we're back in business. i bought 4 because i want to have two in the box and two in the wash on any given day. it makes it easier on me the packer and also keeps us in business in the event that a certain first grader accidentally places one in the trash. again, say it with me... bpa, phthalate- free, lead free. good stuff. oh, and if you go with one of the many other brands on the market, just be sure to read what materials they are made of. ours (and some others out there) get high marks for keeping food fresh as well as contained. others on the market (a bunch that i looked at on etsy) were more about containing and less about the freshness factor. that's all good and fine until your organic kettle chips loose their crunch and your cucumber liquid seeps out onto the bread of your turkey wrap (just writing that kind of made me gag in my mouth a little bit). anywho, you get the point.

last but not least, we bought an insulated food jar from crocodile creek. this little number is a gem. its job is to keep things warm or to keep things cool. it can hold anything from gazpacho (ha- as if e would eat that! just daydreaming for a minute.) to spaghetti and meatballs (a more realistic suggestion for our delightfully picky first-born). basically, you fill the sweat proof, double walled container up with your warm (or chilled) food item of choice, screw on the lid and into the lunchbox it goes. this number was $15 bucks at whole foods.

so, if you add it up, for a total of $98 we have ourselves an eco-friendly lunch system. $98???? i already knew the number and it made my mouth drop on the floor for a few minutes...

let me break a few things down for you- you already spend that much money each and every year!

i did a little rough estimating and discovered that the average lunchbox (from target, walmart or a bunch of other random spots) costs $12.00 (and as a bonus comes filled with lead, bpa, phthalates and a bunch of other known carcinogens- but hey, to each as own). those little plastic numbers run about $.20 a bag (you can find them cheaper but you end up paying membership fees and/or shipping fees to get those lower prices = not so low when it is all said and done). on average, you use about 5 of these a day/lunch (snacktime snack, sandwich, carb, veggie and "sweet" item). there are about 180 days in the average u.s. school year, which equals about $180 in plastic bags and that doesn't even factor in the extra amount you spend on pre-packaged snacks and drink boxes. already, you are over the amount that i've spent. and remember, we've used our sigg for three years and counting and our lunchbox for two. i don't even know how to factor that savings into the equation, but it basically reduces our cost/year by 50%.

for some of you, this post is a snooze. but my hope is that it gets you thinking. if more and more of our families start going in this direction, we'll not only save money but save start saving the planet as well. that's a good thing.

what are you doing for your kids lunch? i'd love to hear your ideas. this is my first year of packing a lunch, so i'm sure i've got a bunch to learn.